Life Life Isn't That Bad Any More

I walked in today with every expectation that he wouldn't be there because I thought I'd lost all that I had: him. But when I walked in and saw his face, I'd never felt more alive. The gap he'd left open
inside of me was filled once again.
If you didn't gather from the poem, the guy I thought I would never see again was at school.

Kisses in the rain.


Kill me. I might as well be dead anyways.

To put it lightly, today was horrible.
The sadness I'd been feeling since Thursday worsened when I walked into the gym in the morning, hoping the person I might have lost might be there. But, the thought I had all weekend still prevailed. 
I'd lost him. 
He had told me before he left that he would be gone Thursday and Friday and if he wasn't back Monday, Sarah would tell me what had happened.
And since he wasn't there, Sarah told me what he had told her. A seven word excuse that left more questions then there had been to start with.
So after that suckish school day, I had chorus practice afterwards till 4:30. 
The seventh graders don't know the alto notes
or a half not from a rest.
Well. Some of the eighth graders didn't know their alto notes either so it got annoying being surrounded by soprano-note-singing-altos while I am the only one singing the right alto notes. You'd think they'd catch on..... maybe it is just that they are deaf.
full of attitude
seventh grade girls
Made the whole after school practice 
a pain in the neck.
All day I had wanted to go home and get on the computer and text the one person I really wanted to talk to. 
I when I tried to explain
all he did was laugh.
So all in all
My Monday sucked more than it usually does.



Last year my planning for the up-coming talent show was - to put it lightly - horrible. I realized when tryouts were 3 days before hand. So I pretty much grabbed a friend and pulled a song together, rushing my dad to record the karaoke version of the Paramore song Born For This because it was now where to be found on Amazon, iTunes, or Limewire. (So we had to record a karaoke version from YouTube). The only practice the two of us got was after school the two days before tryouts. (Then come to find out, the day we came for tryouts wasn't our day, it was someone else's and we were supposed to go the day after... but those people were late so we got to try out with Amaryst there) But it turned out okay... (if we had cordless mic sets and could use the risers in the back, I'd come up with some freakishly awesome choreography - I guess you could say - for it. THAT would've been cool...)
After the show, my dad said next year I should do it solo, but i had already decided that after it was me and my friend's turn at the microphone.
I listen to an online radio called Pandora (stay with me now, I am still on the same topic). You can listen to songs of similar genre and stuff and bookmark songs and artists... Everyday after the concert, all summer, even up to now, if I hear a song I could possibly sing for the up-coming talent show (it is at he end of the school year) then I book-mark it.
I was perusing through iTunes and decided how many songs I can get in karaoke out of the 25 songs I have bookmarked on Pandora. Only one or two came up. The one that stuck out was a song called My Immortal by Evanescene.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

There is another song that I sure a lot of you have heard. It is a fairly popular 
Fireflies by Owl City

You would not beliv your eyes
if 10 thousand fireflies
lit up the world as i fell asleep

cause they fill they open air
and leave tear drops everywhere
you'd think me rude
but i would just stand and stare

I'd like to maek my slef believe
that planet earth turns slowly
its hard to say that I'd rather stay
awake when I'm asleep
because my dreams are never as they seem

Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
from ten thousand lightning bugs
as they try to teach me how to dance

A foxtrot above my head
a sock hop beneath my bed
a disco ball is just hanging by a thread

I'd like to make myself believe
that planet earth turns slowly
it's hard to say that I'd rather stay
awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell

But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

Two Possibilities.


Almost Like Skipping Class

Scholar's Bowl today was not so great. We had to do some thing that I forget the name of, but it was not fun. Questions were displayed on the over-head projector and we had to answer them and someone entered the answer into the computer and someone read the questions and someone entered the answer from the computer. Oh it was absolute CHAOS.! Everyone was blurting out answers and they weren't all the same answer so you had people screaming "B! B! B!" or "NO IT'S E! CLICK E!" But the Clicker has to listen to the captain because the captain has final word, so whoever the captain was was under a lot of presure. To put it lightly, we did horrible. We only got like 900 points. Last year's group had like a 11 hundred something points. It was mostly the (boy) eighth graders who were acting like complete idiots and calling out random letters when they have no idea what the actual answer is and when they did know the answer, we weren't listening to them because they had called out the wrong answer so many time. It got REALLY annoying. I think our best round was either when Allie Bond was captain, I was clicker, and Sarah K. was reader, or when Chris was leader (and Tanner D. was at computer and I swear was new to using a mouse pad). When he wasn't leader, he said a lot of incorrect answers, but when he was leader and sitting at the same table as Amaryst, Allie, Sarah, and I, he actually listened to the people at that table instead of calling out wrong answers, which was a good choice because a lot of the time, someone at our table new it, but since we were reasonable and not yelling to Timbucktoo to tell the captain that most likely sat a few feet away from you, our answers were unheard, though sometimes they got it right, when they got it wrong, it all very likely that at least one person at our table new it. So when Chris was captain, he heard us and surprisingly listened and gave those answers to the slow-mouse-moving-answer-clicker. And then afterwards... wow... afterwards was awesome. Amaryst and i were writing on our scratch paper and passing it back and forth. Max E. tried to steal it so we wrote a lot of random and awkward things on there because we were going to give it to Max to read and get weirded out about but time ran out and we had to go. We were writing all over that paper. Max wanted to read mine as well, but I wouldn't let him cause mine wasn't used for note passing. It had a passage from one of the books I am writing and I was showing it to Amaryst. I definitely did not want Max to see that. Not knowing what the book was about and having no background knowlege on any of the characters, he would be lost and confused. He would probably think I was writing about somebody and something that actually happened to me, which would be rather hard because the Hannah I know is nothing like the Hannah in the book, the Jorden isn't spelled the same as the Jordan I know, and I don't know a guy named Oliver… I don't even have a gay friend… as far as I know...


My Tripoly-Filled Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving this year even started off good. I woke up around eight-o-clock to get ready to go to church. The best part of that was the end. Luke Eckl and his family was there so I got to talk to him afterwards, which I enjoyed because he is a cool person{n} and I haven't talked to him in what seems like forever. then I headed home to prepare for my aunt Libby, uncle Ken and cousins: Brittany and Brandon coming in for our 10-o-clock breakfast. Nothing new and exciting there but the crispy bacon and pecan-loaded pancakes were awfully good. In between the time of 11 and 3, food was prepared, friends emailed, and cousins taught various video games on their request. Dinner was eaten beginning at three, chock full of all the turkey, stuffing, green-bean casserole (YUM!), potatoes, and cranberry sauce; all made from scratch, of course. Even though all the food was really good, I think my favorite part of the whole day (along with talking to Luke) was after all the dishes were washed and the table was cleared.
Our family plays a game that i am sure few have heard of, nevertheless played. It's called Tripoly. It is a mixture of three card games (hint TRIpoly): Michigan rummy, hearts, and poker. Though I don't know how to play those, I know how to play this. It is actually rather simple, but since there are so many ifs and little parts, it can get wordy to explain. but when our family plays it, the house fills with laughter and entertainment. About two rounds into it, I was paying for the next round and accidentally knocked over my mom's glass of wine and that caused a pause in the game for clean up. I had a paper towel cleaning up what had spilled onto the floor and all the sudden I hear "CRASH! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO!!" I looked up and Brittany is standing in front of what once was a drinking glass and was now a broken mess of glass shards.
If you know anything about tripoly, then you might know what i mean when I say: play went around the table without one card being played because no one had a black card, which is rare. Not only did it happen once, it happened three times.
Brittany continuously called the jack, queen, and king of hearts: heart of jack/queen/king. It was really cute.
She also tried to crack the code to try and get into my computer account afterwards, which didn't work.
It was fun teaching my 5-year-old cousin Brandon how to play, too.
We enjoy the game so much, we lost track of time. (keep in mind we started playing at like 5) All of the sudden Aunt Libby was like, "Hey! It's 11-o-clock!" Jeremy said, "Hey mom! You have to be at work at 5:30 tomorrow!" So we finished the round we were in and then cleared it all away. (yes, we seriously played for 6 hours straight) The visiting family said their bye and left.
That was my Thanksgiving. I hope everyone else's was as full of laughter as mine.

I'm Not Turning My Friday Black

If you watch TV at all, you've most likely seen all the commercials advertising all the 'mega sales' happening on Friday (today). It amazes me that people actually go to those-and quite aggressively. I have never been out on Black Friday, and I don't plan on it anytime in this lifetime. I'm sure in Florence, it isn't near as bad as heavier populated cities such as New York, L.A., or even Hunstville, but I would have just finished celebrating Thanksgiving. I don't know about you, but I like celebrating each Holiday one at a time. I wouldn't even know what to give for gifts. I hardly know what I am getting for some people a week or two before Christmas, nevertheless a month before it rolls around. Along with that, I am not an early riser. Yet, people are willing to set their alarms and wake up in time to get to the stores for their early openings; around here, they fall somewhere between 3 a.m. and 5 a.m. And then back to those bigger cities: they spend the night in front of the store they want to be first in line to. Seriously people?! And i guess because they woke up so freaking early, it puts them in a grumpier and pushier than normal mood. Three strikes, I'm out. People bug me enough as is. I don't want to get into a group of them who who is willing to trample whoever is in between them and that great deal on whatever their eye catches.
No. Thank. You.

What I learned today:
My mom is a... wait. I already knew that... never-mind.


Taking A Time-Out

On the way back from the Thanksgiving meeting that my parents dragged me too last night, I sat in the back seat in a rather comfortable position, with my dad tuned into a radio station that played oldies and the GPS in the front telling us when to turn. I had my coat balled up as a pillow against the car door, and it did its job well. I closed my eyes, with the street lights overhead growing brighter and dimming back down as we passed between each one, and an old rock song from the 60s, 70s, and 80s, most of which I'd never heard, playing in the background. I didn't fall asleep, I actually had time in my oh-so-busy-life to stop and think about what all was happening in my life, because I rarely get time for that and it was nice to stop and think about anything and everything
I could also escape. Excape from the car and go wherever I wanted, and be with whoever I wanted. I sometimes wish I could fly away. Just fly away and escape this slightly messed up world and go to a better place where you don't have to worry about continuing to look over your shoulder to make sure you don't have a stalker that is going to poison your drink or stab you from behind one night when you are sleeping. No school work or homework to keep you awake at night and make your brain hurt. No parents looking over your shoulder and grounding you if you have below an 85. No annoying people at school trying to be cool and failing epically. Just you and whoever you want to be there with you. In a place you find peaceful yourself, because different people find different peacefulness in different environments.

What I learned today:
If you are sitting in the car when it is like 9:00 and dark outside, it is very difficult to write. But when I did and I looked at it in the light when I got home, it was actually okay. Ha! I can write fairly well in the dark.

Love: a Word That's not as Small as Most Think

Love. It may be a simple-to-pronounce, 4-letter-word, but there is really nothing simple about it. It is a word that is thrown around like it is a simple four letter word with a simple meaning, but it really isn't. I hate it when people misuse it, too. And they don't know they are using it wrong, as well. There is really no true definition of the word. I don't even think websters has it exact-all 21 variations of it. It is so much more than "A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person." (Webster's dictionary.com (first) definition of the word love) There are so many poems written and many songs sung, in efforts to describe it, but I don't think anything ever written, or to be written in the future, could truly describe it or the feeling you get when you've achieved it.
It's nothing you can hide or find.
It's nothing you can run to or from.
It's nothing you can misplace or replace.
It's nothing you can build or destroy.
It's a four letter word that is so easily confused.


The Before-Thanksgiving Christmas Concert

The FMS and FHS chorus department is having their Christmas Concert today at 7:30. It should be interesting... due to the fact that the two songs FMS sings with the high school, we barely know... I think she did that because she assumed the high schoolers would know it well and cover us up... Just wait... They won't know it either. Wouldn't that be interesting. Most of us don't know the 12 '12 days of Christmas' words and the first part of another section in the song. I can't tell you the words to it, cause I myself don't even know them... being a lead alto, that is kind of scary...

The eighth grade is singing a song by themselves. We are the only grade in FMS that is. And it is just the girls. No guys. No seventh graders. She started off doing seventh and eighth grade girls singing the piece. Since the seventh graders are new to it, they don't learn the song as fast and as well as the eighth graders can, because the majority of them were in it last year. When she heard how well it could be sung by the eighth graders and realized how far behind the seventh graders were compared to us, she cut the seventh graders out. So now, just us eighth graders are performing that song in the concert tonight. It is a very pretty song, as well. It is one of my favorite songs as well. When we started learning it, we all imagined it dark and mysterious and gloomy. Very "minory". The more we learn it, the prettier it becomes and it isn't as dark as we once thought it to be. It is a lullaby in a different language. I forget which language, though. It isn't a very popular language, either. The title of the song is "Durme, Durme" Sleep, Sleep, mother's little one, free from worry and grief. listen, my joy, to your mother's words, the words of Sema Yisrael. Sleep, sleep, mother's little one, with the words of Shema Yisrael is pretty much the translation of the words. it is supposed to be soft and sweet, which it definitely is. I guess the way we listened to it when we first heard it, after finishing singing "Shenandoah", a more depressing song, we associated it with that, giving it the erie feel. I guess if it was sung a little darker and some of the soprano parts taken out, it could be a depressing song...


The Mirage

It kills me how people go on with their lives as if they were just along for the ride, like it was some kiddie ride at a fair. A slow-moving,boring, nonchalant Ferris wheel. Ignorant to the real world that is right outside of their enclosed box they call a life. They have no idea how good their life can actually be. They say no to everything. They don't know how much fun it would be to go to the mall with friends or the movies, take pleasure insimple things in life. They are so caught up in all the bad in their life, they find no reason to try and have a little enjoyment in their life. Stop sitting at home, all the time, doing nothing. Add some pizzazz to your life. And"Be yourself. Everyone else is taken." Don't try to impress anyone with who your not. False impressions are hard to keep up.
Live your life.
What I learned today:
First impressions of people are definitely NOT what they seem.It might be the opposite of what everyone tells you. They say things like,"Don't trust first impressions cause they are never what they seem. People can turn out to be better than you think." Well, it can easily be the total opposite...