20.10.10

Psyche not Sike

So maybe I'm confused, psychologically out of whack.
Maybe I was never actually completely over Will. Maybe somewhere, lurking in the back of my head, my love for him still existed. Maybe I'm still a believer that love never dies - true love, that is. Maybe he's creeping his way back and I am continuing to fall.
Maybe everything above shouldn't be maybes. Those are things I am absolutely sure of, but...

Maybe I like Maroon, but not like I loved Will. Could it be that I am trying to replace Will with someone else? How am I thinking this logical? What if I spend time with Maroon and discover that I do like him more than I started out with. I know he's moving in January - another person gone. Shouldn't I not be trying to become attached? I know if I do, and he moves, it's not going to make anything any easier.

"I've just come to this reality this year on how much I try to help other people when in all actuality, I need to be focusing on keeping my own self together. I've got a lot of things going on that I have to try and figure out. I'm psychologically confused, I can't focus on anything at all (even my friends and people not so close to me have noticed a difference. I'm staring into space more often and not absorbing what they say as much as I used to. Similar, but not as severe, to when Will moved at the end of the last school year, although no one witnessed that due to it being the summer) and having a guy seize in front of me in PE today isn't really helping me get a grip on what's going on right now. There are just some things I need to sort out before I can actually go and put myself back together again. Some people might call it self centered, but as much as I feel obliged to help friends when they are going through some things, I am learning that I need to work on myself before others. I know it's something I've got to do. I can't keep pushing it aside and say it will all work out, because for it to work out, I've got to figure out what it is. I'm trying to work out, pick out all the details and figure out what is it that I'm having so much difficulty with and try to solve it. I'm beginning to figure it out and I've got my guess, but I'm not one hundred percent sure, and if what I think it is really is the case, then my solution is beyond me for now."


 I don't know if she still keeps up with this blog or not, but if she is, Amberleigh is the one that helped me learn that helping myself before others can sometimes be the better route, especially when it comes to your own well-being. Thankfully, there isn't drama for me to deal with right now anyway, making it easier on my part. 
But Amberleigh has once again been an uber help to my life and for that, I thank her.

3.10.10

Drama… and not the Class

Well there is just a whole bunch of drama and this love triangle/decagon thing going on at school. This new girl that moved from up north is causing it all of it sadly. She seemed like a really cool person but I began to think otherwise the more I hung out with her. Although I wasn't sure what exactly it was then, something told me she was not going to be a super friend of mine. Maybe if I'd listened and not associated myself with her, none of this would've happened. But it's too late for that now. Something did happen and I'm not too pleased with it.
Grace, Adrienne, and I tried to help her with it. What is she doing? She's flirting with a bunch of guys. Multiple guys. She calls it being friendly but I guess the Northener's friendliness isn't the same as ours cause it's called flirting down here. (In no way am I trying to offend anyone who might be living up north. I've heard of plenty of Northerners who are absolutely amazing. It just so happens that one that moved down here has caused a lot of drama.) Her actions wouldn't be as bad if she didn't have boyfriend who she claims is being overprotective. She is flirting with his best friend AND with the guy I like, who reassuringly expressed to me yesterday doesn't like her at all. She knows I like him, too.
The new girl hates me now and won't listen to me or even be ten feet from me. I don't want to hate her. I don't want to get into a feud with her. I am just trying to help. All three of us are but it is really only me who she is wanting to have nothing to do with. She is just being so obnoxious. I wrote her a note and all three of us signed it. She tore it up, wadded it up, walked over to me, and tapped me on the shoulder, showing me, (she had been outside when she did it) and then chunked it, trying to prove a point I guess. I didn't say or do anything, knowing it wouldn't have done me any good and only make her hate me more (cause the only thing that proved to me was that she had her head stuck too far up her butt to take help from the people trying to help her.)
The guy that I like (maroon) and I aren't going out but as of yesterday when I wrote the note to the girl and revealed her flirting with people specifically Maroon, I revealed to her I liked him. Her
flirting with him kind of offended me. I had the impression he had a crush on me anyway and he keeps making it more apparent which is reassuring... But after my revealing to the new girl, it got out to a variety of my friends which makes me nervous. Somehow, someway, I am always getting caught in drama like this. It happened last year and in seventh grade as well. There has been one big blow of drama every year, but only one big one per year. I am worried that with this one starting so early in the year, there will be more this year. I am honestly trying to not get involved but all the big stuff like this tends to be thrown at me because I guess they think I can help but I was already upset the night before from someone make accusations towards my dad and our team and he had no idea what he was talking about. Needless to say I was not in a mental state to handle the situation correctly.
I am learning to only take tasks I can handle. Sure I enjoy helping people when they are having problems. I have friends that come to me for help all the time and I help them because they are my friends and I care about them. But after a while, you realize no matter how much you want to help, there is always going to he someone who won't accept it. And I, no matter how self centered it may sound, need to handle my own problems before going into something like this. Sure, i didn't really jump into this; I was dragged, but it still stands. So I've pretty much pushed her aside now and as long as she keeps her distance and doesn't try to pull me into anything again, then we'll be fine. I mean I'm gonna go for what makes me happy and I know she's gonna try to get in the way, even with a boyfriend, and I'm not gonna let her do that. I've decided this.
I just needed someone there to help cool me off. Someone that wasn't apart of any of this and yet knew what it felt like to be completely frustrated with someone. And the first person I thought of was Amberleigh. It's nice to know she's there to help even 400 miles away. I don't know what the hell I'd do without her. She's my buddy. I luh her.

My apologies for such a poorly written post, compared to my other ones.