"I feel more apart of your past than any part of your future. It could just be the immense lack of communication that has shoved this feeling inside of me, the fact that I haven't seen you in almost half a year, or the dreadful combination of both, but it's there and it haunts me. I feel like I've lost my best friend as she's moved on to a much livelier place than Florence, Alabama, surrounding herself with new places and people, people much cooler than I, making the position I had here easier to fill there. I feel as if I've been forgotten, left behind. I miss being apart of your life and I miss you being the biggest part of mine.
Shit, now I'm crying.
I miss you, Sarah, and love you more than... I can't even think of anything closely comparable. There's no one I know that could ever come close to being able to replace you.
I guess this is what it feels like when you want to be a part of someone who is out of your league. I feel so far away from you."
17.1.11
Sarah Kirch
15.1.11
Oops
I am proud to say I honestly don't care anymore, if you didn't happen to gather that from That's Why Fireflies Flash II. I'm completely done with the whole thing... well not completely. I've still got a few things I've got to do, but you'll hear about that once that has been completed. I'm hoping that those were the last of the aggravating blog posts for a while.
In other news, we performed School House Rock last weekend which was amazing!
That reminds me that I had another 'freshman musical theatre exam moment' recently.
And I've just come to realize that I never posted about that. Okay, well, let me fix that.
At the end of the last semester, we had to take exams for every class we were in, no matter what grade we had accumulated over that grading period. Which meant my musical theatre class had an exam as well, but this exam wasn't going to written in any form or fashion. We had to perform in front of the whole class. You could sing, dance or both. You could do it solo, duet, or in a group. Our teacher told us about it on a Monday, to be performed the up-coming Friday or following Monday. The information I had received included the fact that it had to be from a musical. My original plan-a duet with one of the guys in the class-officially fell through on the Wednesday of that week. So Wednesday night, I had to search for a song to do on my own. Disney was my savior. My first thought had been 'Reflections' from the movie Mulan, but upon looking through the top Disney songs, I was reminded of the song 'Part of Your World' from The Little Mermaid. I quickly decided on that song and got everything I needed for it. Our Christmas performance was that Thursday so there wasn't very much practice before-hand. I had to cram the lyrics into my head in two days. I had at least two sheets of paper that I had copied the lyrics onto to try to get them to come to me from memory. And besides, I can't start singing the song in the middle of class to see if I remember them. The song was running through my head non-stop. It was ridiculous, but I was set on nailing this. None of the class had ever really heard me sing before, so I wanted to get it right.
So Friday comes and after having Adrienne help me on the bus on the way there, I felt prepared and confident that I was gonna nail it.
Not very many people wanted to go Friday. I think there was only like four or five that went. I was the last one. I was hesitant at first. I had found out that day that it didn't actually have to be from a musical, so I was considering a change in song, but I wanted to get it over with and I'm glad I did because the other song wouldn't have been as good to perform anyway, although it's an amazing song (I Love You 5 by Never Shout Never). I was also hesitant because neither Dederick or the original duet 'idea' partner was there. I decided to go anyway. My adrenaline was going since the moment I stepped into the room. I retrieved my CD right as Dederick and the other guy walked in.
Now I was completely ready.
I tell the teacher and everyone else the song I'm singing and everyone smiles, even the teacher. (My dad had her as a chorus teacher (as I do now as well) when he was in high school. Now it was my turn to show her that she had another Hornbuckle to look forward to)
The music starts and I start to sing the song and I could tell, they were surprised. A few of the people who were mouthing the words had stopped to listen. Pretty much everyone was smiling. The teacher, probably the most as she continued to mouth the words. I knew they liked it.
After the song, I was reassured that everyone liked it. After the applause, I was overwhelmed with "Where have you been hiding?" "She (teacher) is gonna be given you all the solos next year!" and the one I heard the most was "I don't know what to say to you." The duet guy said with loads of obvious astonishment in his voice, "I didn't know you could sing like that!" Haha, I know. (I was glad that he didn't do it with me when he sang his. Wow. Not meant to be rude, but no.)
Another guy in the class (who did a gorgeous dance routine on that Monday with Dederick and one of the girls in the class that almost had me at tears) summoned me over to where he was sitting to bombard be with,"Where have you been hiding?" "You've got a gorgeous voice!" "Where did you get that voice?" and some other things that I don't remember.
Nevertheless, I walked out of there on cloud ten (not nine) not because I'm stuck up and now thought I was better than everyone else, but because for once I actually felt like I could walk into such a talented class and belong. It was such a great feeling.
I would continue by sharing my more recent event, but I think this post is long enough. Woops.
In other news, we performed School House Rock last weekend which was amazing!
That reminds me that I had another 'freshman musical theatre exam moment' recently.
And I've just come to realize that I never posted about that. Okay, well, let me fix that.
At the end of the last semester, we had to take exams for every class we were in, no matter what grade we had accumulated over that grading period. Which meant my musical theatre class had an exam as well, but this exam wasn't going to written in any form or fashion. We had to perform in front of the whole class. You could sing, dance or both. You could do it solo, duet, or in a group. Our teacher told us about it on a Monday, to be performed the up-coming Friday or following Monday. The information I had received included the fact that it had to be from a musical. My original plan-a duet with one of the guys in the class-officially fell through on the Wednesday of that week. So Wednesday night, I had to search for a song to do on my own. Disney was my savior. My first thought had been 'Reflections' from the movie Mulan, but upon looking through the top Disney songs, I was reminded of the song 'Part of Your World' from The Little Mermaid. I quickly decided on that song and got everything I needed for it. Our Christmas performance was that Thursday so there wasn't very much practice before-hand. I had to cram the lyrics into my head in two days. I had at least two sheets of paper that I had copied the lyrics onto to try to get them to come to me from memory. And besides, I can't start singing the song in the middle of class to see if I remember them. The song was running through my head non-stop. It was ridiculous, but I was set on nailing this. None of the class had ever really heard me sing before, so I wanted to get it right.
So Friday comes and after having Adrienne help me on the bus on the way there, I felt prepared and confident that I was gonna nail it.
Not very many people wanted to go Friday. I think there was only like four or five that went. I was the last one. I was hesitant at first. I had found out that day that it didn't actually have to be from a musical, so I was considering a change in song, but I wanted to get it over with and I'm glad I did because the other song wouldn't have been as good to perform anyway, although it's an amazing song (I Love You 5 by Never Shout Never). I was also hesitant because neither Dederick or the original duet 'idea' partner was there. I decided to go anyway. My adrenaline was going since the moment I stepped into the room. I retrieved my CD right as Dederick and the other guy walked in.
Now I was completely ready.
I tell the teacher and everyone else the song I'm singing and everyone smiles, even the teacher. (My dad had her as a chorus teacher (as I do now as well) when he was in high school. Now it was my turn to show her that she had another Hornbuckle to look forward to)
The music starts and I start to sing the song and I could tell, they were surprised. A few of the people who were mouthing the words had stopped to listen. Pretty much everyone was smiling. The teacher, probably the most as she continued to mouth the words. I knew they liked it.
After the song, I was reassured that everyone liked it. After the applause, I was overwhelmed with "Where have you been hiding?" "She (teacher) is gonna be given you all the solos next year!" and the one I heard the most was "I don't know what to say to you." The duet guy said with loads of obvious astonishment in his voice, "I didn't know you could sing like that!" Haha, I know. (I was glad that he didn't do it with me when he sang his. Wow. Not meant to be rude, but no.)
Another guy in the class (who did a gorgeous dance routine on that Monday with Dederick and one of the girls in the class that almost had me at tears) summoned me over to where he was sitting to bombard be with,"Where have you been hiding?" "You've got a gorgeous voice!" "Where did you get that voice?" and some other things that I don't remember.
Nevertheless, I walked out of there on cloud ten (not nine) not because I'm stuck up and now thought I was better than everyone else, but because for once I actually felt like I could walk into such a talented class and belong. It was such a great feeling.
I would continue by sharing my more recent event, but I think this post is long enough. Woops.
12.1.11
That's Why Fireflies Flash II
As the end of the year continued, I found more and more information, but the majority came to me on the very last day of the year.
I found out all my information from two people that talked to both me and Cheyenne, though Cheyenne has no idea. She had admitted to one of them that she did in fact like Maroon. When this information was passed onto me, I found it no surprise.
But it was when I found out the entire story that I realized I had been bluntly lied to.
Maroon called Cheyenne the day her and Silver started going out.
Okay, no big deal.
He then called her everyday of the break. Eventually, he told her that he thought he was falling in love with her.
He hardly talked to me or attempted to get ahold of me during the break except for the day he broke up with me. I called him multiple times while I was in Disney. Most of the time it went to voicemail. I left my messages, but I never heard back.
So I guess you can honestly say that he was pretty much avoiding me.
Cheyenne said she wasn't sure if she liked him and that she would have to hang out with him. They did hang out after the 27th, but I don't know how that went.
I did end up talking to Cheyenne. I hadn't talked to her in forever because, you can guess, I just didn't like her. But I wanted to talk to her. And although it was a shock to everyone and a disappointment to some, I was going to be nice.
So I pretty much lied to her face when I said:
We had a short conversation that included me continuing to lie and her saying that whatever we've been through in the past is behind us. Let's just forget about it. I understand. You can talk to me. blahblahblah.fuckmylife.
So she thinks that we're cool now. But we aren't. I still dislike her. I dislike how much she compares to Amberleigh. I love Amberleigh to death, but Cheyenne, gah! She has no good traits!
In our conversation, the fact that Maroon had told me he loved me came up. She questioned this, saying hat Maroon hadn't told her he told me he loved me (when we were dating). I sent her a screen shot of a text that he had sent me saying he loved me-one of the many times he had.
HA! HE'S ALREADY LIED TO YOU, BITCH!
hm..
my apologies.
So, Cheyenne was forbidden by her parents to date him because he had lied to her. Upon her telling Maroon this and that she was going to try to convince them to let her date him, Maroon said he didn't care.
Schadenfreude!
As of two days ago, I hadn't talked to Maroon at all. He randomly greeted me through text message and it ended up a little something like this:
I know what I am doing. What though, I won't say.
But anyways, what has come out of this?
From the words of a dear friend:
I found out all my information from two people that talked to both me and Cheyenne, though Cheyenne has no idea. She had admitted to one of them that she did in fact like Maroon. When this information was passed onto me, I found it no surprise.
But it was when I found out the entire story that I realized I had been bluntly lied to.
Maroon called Cheyenne the day her and Silver started going out.
Okay, no big deal.
He then called her everyday of the break. Eventually, he told her that he thought he was falling in love with her.
He hardly talked to me or attempted to get ahold of me during the break except for the day he broke up with me. I called him multiple times while I was in Disney. Most of the time it went to voicemail. I left my messages, but I never heard back.
So I guess you can honestly say that he was pretty much avoiding me.
Cheyenne said she wasn't sure if she liked him and that she would have to hang out with him. They did hang out after the 27th, but I don't know how that went.
I did end up talking to Cheyenne. I hadn't talked to her in forever because, you can guess, I just didn't like her. But I wanted to talk to her. And although it was a shock to everyone and a disappointment to some, I was going to be nice.
So I pretty much lied to her face when I said:
"In no way do I want you to get upset or mad. I just want to say this. And in no way am I trying to be mean because I don't want to be.
I'm never going to tell you who to date. I've never done that to anyone and I don't plan on it.
I'm not mad anymore. Hurt, yes, but that's no surprise. The guy I loved lied to me and is supposedly now in love with you. He was okay with lying and decieving me after everything we went through. He can lie a deceive anyone he wants to. In no way do I want to be mean or to tell you what to do, but he can do it to you, too just as easily.
I'm trying to be okay with this whole thing, but it is hard. When you love someone, seeing them with anyone else hurts and I am just asking you to understand and respect that. I'm not telling you not to date him. If you want to, fine. Obvioously he likes you enough to lie to me to get to you; I'm just asking you to try to understand what this is on my side."Asking her to understand that is like asking a brick to turn itself to sand. It can't do it on its own, but with time and some pounding on, it could happen.
We had a short conversation that included me continuing to lie and her saying that whatever we've been through in the past is behind us. Let's just forget about it. I understand. You can talk to me. blahblahblah.fuckmylife.
So she thinks that we're cool now. But we aren't. I still dislike her. I dislike how much she compares to Amberleigh. I love Amberleigh to death, but Cheyenne, gah! She has no good traits!
In our conversation, the fact that Maroon had told me he loved me came up. She questioned this, saying hat Maroon hadn't told her he told me he loved me (when we were dating). I sent her a screen shot of a text that he had sent me saying he loved me-one of the many times he had.
HA! HE'S ALREADY LIED TO YOU, BITCH!
hm..
my apologies.
So, Cheyenne was forbidden by her parents to date him because he had lied to her. Upon her telling Maroon this and that she was going to try to convince them to let her date him, Maroon said he didn't care.
Schadenfreude!
As of two days ago, I hadn't talked to Maroon at all. He randomly greeted me through text message and it ended up a little something like this:
M(him): Hey
A(me): Hey?
M: Why the question mark?
A: You haven't talked to me since you broke up with me. I was slightly surprised at the random greeting.
M: Sorry I've been really stressed out and sick
A: Sure (like that gave him an excuse not to talk to me!)
M: Ok well I guess you dont wanna talk I'll leave you alone
A: You can't just randomly text me and leave like that. I was simply saying. What was I supposed to say? That I'm sorry?
M: Sorry for what?
A: That you were sick and stressed.
M: Thanks (Did I ever apologize? no...?)
A: I'm confused now. Of well. Anyway.
M: Anyway I'm sick and I just wanted to say hello but I'm going to sleep
A: Well hello and I hope you feel better and I guess goodnight.
I know what I am doing. What though, I won't say.
But anyways, what has come out of this?
From the words of a dear friend:
"In our relationship, I was the brains and he was the asshole and that if he walked in front of me on a crosswalk, I would speed up and run him over and that I pray he chokes on a happy meal because if not, Adrienne is going to shove a yellow crayon down his throat."italics=lie
Beautiful things never last.
That's why fireflies flash.
3.1.11
That's Why Fireflies Flash
Once again, I was hurt by lies. One would probably think it foolish of me to still care for either of them, but I've come to accept that I will always have somekind of feelings towards Will. As for maroon, probably not. Sure,I loved him, but it wasn't quite the same. I'm starting to wonder if anything ever will be.
I had the feeling things between Cheyenne and I would get worse before they got any better. And we've reached the worse, but I'll get to that eventually.
I thought everything was fine between maroon and I. The last day before I got out of school to go off to Disney for four days, I had my P.E. exam. He was in the class as well and having two hours to take the thirty-or-so question exam gave us plenty of time to do nothing. For the majority of it, he was kicking a soccer ball around with his best friend, but for almost an hour, he was with Katrina and I. He would lie down, his head on my lap, fiddling with my fingers. He had made it appear then and everytime before that we really had something and I left for winter break believing that. Maybe we did have something, but it didn't last over break.
Cheyenne was, for the most part, maintaining a state of neutrality with me again, though the tension was still slightly high because of our last incident, but it had simmered down. Cheyenne was having her own boy stuff. We'll name him... silver. Silver liked Cheyenne for a while and when she found out, she, I guess, saw her opportunity and took it. The two of them finally started going out the Friday after we got out for break, with a lot of objections from pretty much everyone else.
On the 27th of December, I find a message on Facebook from Maroon:
He had made it sound as if 'we' still had a hope and that I just had to save it and everything would be okay. Wrapped in false illusions and over-reacting emotions, I sent this in reply:
This drove me up the wall. Not only because it was upsetting, but because none of it, no matter how hard I tried to understand, made any sense. I understand a lot; it's why people come to me for problems, but it was driving me insane that I couldn't understand this.
I had had the feeling Cheyenne had feelings for Maroon, especially after what she'd thought that I displayed at the end of the last post. I just wouldn't accept the possibility of it going both ways. After he broke up with me, I had the feeling Cheyenne would make a move on him.
I just didn't think she already had.
(to be continued)
I had the feeling things between Cheyenne and I would get worse before they got any better. And we've reached the worse, but I'll get to that eventually.
I thought everything was fine between maroon and I. The last day before I got out of school to go off to Disney for four days, I had my P.E. exam. He was in the class as well and having two hours to take the thirty-or-so question exam gave us plenty of time to do nothing. For the majority of it, he was kicking a soccer ball around with his best friend, but for almost an hour, he was with Katrina and I. He would lie down, his head on my lap, fiddling with my fingers. He had made it appear then and everytime before that we really had something and I left for winter break believing that. Maybe we did have something, but it didn't last over break.
Cheyenne was, for the most part, maintaining a state of neutrality with me again, though the tension was still slightly high because of our last incident, but it had simmered down. Cheyenne was having her own boy stuff. We'll name him... silver. Silver liked Cheyenne for a while and when she found out, she, I guess, saw her opportunity and took it. The two of them finally started going out the Friday after we got out for break, with a lot of objections from pretty much everyone else.
On the 27th of December, I find a message on Facebook from Maroon:
"Hey, listen. We need to talk when you get the chance because this isn't working, April. We never talk. I'm sorry. But I don't think we gonna work anymore."Mind his grammar, I fixed a lot of it.
He had made it sound as if 'we' still had a hope and that I just had to save it and everything would be okay. Wrapped in false illusions and over-reacting emotions, I sent this in reply:
"I need this to work, (Maroon), because I need you. I've never been so happy as I have when I'm around you. Never felt more complete than when you called me baby. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I meant it when I said I thought we had something and I thought you meant it, too. I believed everything.Yeah sure, I was shaken up a bit, especially after the text-messaged conversation we had later. Summarized, he told me that he "didn't feel the same way (he) did as when (he) first started talking to (me)" and that he thought we were better off as friends, but that he still loved me and always would.
But I want you to be happy more than anything. If you think it's not working or just want it not to work, then I'll let go; not just you, but everything we had and everything we could've had.
It's winter break and we just finished Christmas. Of course the amount of communication is going to be lower, but I've texted you everyday; you not texting back most of the time is what's gotten me. I would have called you, but I've been sick and still don't have a voice so it wouldn't have done either us much good if I had.
I love you (Maroon), more than anything and I mean it with everything I've got. I want this to work, so tell me how.
Completely,
April.
This drove me up the wall. Not only because it was upsetting, but because none of it, no matter how hard I tried to understand, made any sense. I understand a lot; it's why people come to me for problems, but it was driving me insane that I couldn't understand this.
I had had the feeling Cheyenne had feelings for Maroon, especially after what she'd thought that I displayed at the end of the last post. I just wouldn't accept the possibility of it going both ways. After he broke up with me, I had the feeling Cheyenne would make a move on him.
I just didn't think she already had.
(to be continued)
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