31.7.10

I'm Falling to Pieces

So, yes my fake smiles were there about two weeks ago, when he first broke up with me. I told myself I was fine and put on a fake smile. I supose I began to fool myself, for soon after, I was fine. It only took but three days to actuLly feel normal. Sure, I'd think about him now and again, but I pushed those aside. But in the past day, I've fallen apart again. All the invisible walls I'd built myself in - invisible even to me - came crashing down as a rush of emotion crashed over me. It was no lie to say that I honestly missed him. I cried last night. That was the first time I'd ever really cried over a guy ever. But I did. I let myself slip into that state of weakness where anything or anyone could only hurt you more. A state of vunerability for me. I've found myself thinking of him all the time, and I can't get him out, but I don't try to. I'm not going to lie to myself and say he's just another boy. I'm not going to tell myself to stop feeling the way I do, because I am sure you know as well as I do that you feel the way you do, and if it is a true feeling, then it isn't going to go away.
So maybe I'm sick of covering it up. I'm sick of faking a smile and pretending everything is fine, because in reality, it isn't. I'm through with telling myself it isn't real. Through with saying I can live fine without him. Because the truth is, it was real and it still is real. And although I could live without him, my life would be a mess without.
So here I am again, making wishes at 11:11 like the old days. Maybe someday he can realize that he really did mean the world to me.

25.7.10

[Insert Snazzy Title Here]

I suppose there is a reason for me not having anything to say in a longer while then the normal wait between my posts, which I've found to be longer then they used to be. But then again, my reason isn't very usable if I think about it. My life has been rather busy as I've been babysitting a rambonxious six year old girl Monday through Friday from 9 to 4 for the last six weeks. Hopefully I'll have almost a whole week off this coming week. If she likes the cheer camp then I will only have to babysit her on Monday, giving me a much needed break.
My reason for not posting is not having very interesting things to write about. Sure, I've had a lot of fun with two specific friends recently, but I'm not one to simply post everything I do. "Oh! I went to the Marriot park! I had a lot of fun!" or "I went to Point Mallard! What a blast!" No, I think I'll pass on that. It's not like me. Sure, I did enjoy my time spent with Latosha and Sarah Counts, but that is beside the point, but really, there is no point, other than the fact that I don't do the small posts. Not anymore. When I was foolish and had just made my blog as a fifth grader, I didn't have the skills, patients, or tales/experience to create posts as I do now. Toss up some shorter sentences with less complicated words, add in a few gramatical mistakes and sprinkle in some spelling errors, and you'd recieve something of what I used to be. I would most definitely say I've made progress and I can say that I am proud of my work and everything I write. It's a piece of me, a part of who I am, an expression of what I feel. It's something that I can be proud of. I can say, "I wrote that."

13.7.10

Fake Smiles Return Again

So I'm returning back to my life of fake smiles, because, yeah, you guessed it, he broke up with me. After having no contact with me for 48 hours, he texts me as if nothing had happened, but he wasn't acting the same. Even over text, I could tell something was up. He later told he that he didn't think we should go out. That's the message I woke up to this morning. What a lovely day it's going to be. I question him, asking him why he felt that. And he told me. "I don't want to be a secret to your parents" he says. And that really hurt. Sure, my parents didn't know we were together yet, but I don't tell my parents I'm in a relationship the second I get in one. I wait to make sure it isn't going to last like a week and then have to tell them we aren't. Then would come all the questionings about why and shit. I honestly don't want to put up with that, so yeah I wait a week or two before telling them. Is that really so wrong? When I tried to explain this to him, he said it was too late. Like, wow. You didn't even give it a chance! He said he was sorry, but I find that hard to believe, and I told him that. Although, I don't think that went over with him too well because he didn't reply.
So onto that world of fake smiles that I was so happy to leave before.

11.7.10

I'm a wreck right now

To say the least, I'm not doing so well. Mentally at least. I am worried. Maybe too much, bur still I am. That's me. Sorry for caring.
I trust Rhett. I just thought I would get that out there first thing.
Rhett and I are usually texting all the time. I don't have a phone but I recently got myself an iPod touch and there is an app for that. Whenever I have a wifi connection we are texting.
Yesterday, Saturday, we had planned to go to the skating rink at twelve. He told me as I was leaving the house to go that he couldn't be there at twelve. I quickly replied back that I'd be there if he could make it.
He never did make it there but that isn't what I am worried about. That's just a pre-story.
He sent me that text at 11:30. I got home around 5:30. I messaged him when I got home. He never replied. I sent another one an hour later and then again before I went to sleep. No reply. It's now 10:45 the next day and I still haven't heard from him. Yes, this bothers me. I'm out of the know. I'm worried. It's been almost 24 hours. I was up till 1 am worrying. This morning I had to make my mom believe I was physically sick because I could never explain to her how I am so messed up about this. I wasn't fit for going out in public. I didn't have the will power to put on a fake smile. I convinced her. So for the last four hours, I've been dozing in and out of sleep. Sleep is the only place I can really escape to. I guess not being able to dream does have it's good sides in times like this.

8.7.10

What a Wonderful World

I find it amazing how well it's been going. Sure I was told we'd be good together from a few people but I didn't think it would be like this. He's better than I thought he was. I've learned so much about him yet none of it's anything bad or anything that bothers me. He's actually a really funny guy, which is a side of him I didn't get to know from soccer. Sure I had the feeling he was, I could see it in him everytime he gave people on the team high fives whenever coach would call out his name to play his next possistion before the game or during half time, weather it be defending our goal or helping put the ball In the other team's goal. He keeps it real but plays around at the same time. I still can't grasp that he actually likes me. He's the first person I've gone out with that wasn't in the same grade as me. I never had anything against it, although it did frighten me slightly when they are years apart. Such as a fouteen year old with an eighteen year old. It's rather bothersome to me. Although I know plenty of married people who are years older than that (like 50 and 30) but it isn't the same to me. I think younger aged people should have boundries on the people they allow themselves to date and stick with it. But now I am just running of topic.
I think the only thing I don't like about Rhett is that he goes to a different school, which might I add is in no way wrong. Of course things would be easier did but that's just a fact of life. Things could always be easier but it's when you are able to live with the forces that you can't change that makes everything worth while.

4.7.10

You make me happy, whether you know it or not

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but it did and I couldn't be happier. He finally came out and asked, after I informed him that I wanted to. It's not a long story, I just don't feeling like going into detail. I guess I do have something to thank Anna for, but not at all what I thought I would. She scared me. I guess I should go ahead and share since I am not a fan of short blog posts and this is all I have to say anyway. Anna was at the party and she watched rather excitedly from the sidelines. Afterwards asking if he'd asked me out. She herself was rather bummed that he didn't. Rhett and I continued to text and still no question. I asked Anna to look into it (aka ask why he hadn't.) She is like that anyway, so in no way would it look suspicious. She told me he had replied with 'it was none of her business' and I had to smile.
The same day, being today, July Fourth, he asks:


Rhett:  Where you at Annas last night
April:  no. i was a home last night 
Rhett:  Ok

I became curious

April:  why?
Rhett:  She kept calling me
April:  hahahaha no i wasn't there
Rhett:  ok she ask me out

I was rather surprised by this finding, but I kept my cool.

April:  really xD what'd you say?
Rhett:  No
April:  i bet she feels sad now
Rhett:  Yeah
April:  im sure she'll live though
Rhett:  Yeah
April:  what would you say if i were to ask you out?
Rhett:  Yes
April:  (:
Rhett:  :) you wanna go out
April:  I'd love to(:

And that's how it happened. That's what completed my Fourth of July before I sat on the deck to watch stranger's fireworks.

1.7.10

Scooby Doo, Where are you

Well still to this day, I'm confused about Yellow. It's mainly me not knowing why. I don't know/understand why he hasn't asked me out. He knows I like him. I know he likes me. I pretty much told him I liked him. I gave him a huge hint and he guessed correctly, and when I asked if it went both ways, he said it did. So, yeah, I have no idea what's going on with it. I've actually got someone working on it though. do you remember Anna Lea from the former post? Well, she told me she'd look into it, and really, she's the only one that really can look into it, without looking suspicious of course. She was there the whole time, so she knows what all is going on.
So hopefully I will have some answers soon, but for now I am just trying to get the Scooby-Doo theme song out of my head after watching three and a half hours of non-stop Scooby-Doo with the 6 year old I babysit.