31.7.10

I'm Falling to Pieces

So, yes my fake smiles were there about two weeks ago, when he first broke up with me. I told myself I was fine and put on a fake smile. I supose I began to fool myself, for soon after, I was fine. It only took but three days to actuLly feel normal. Sure, I'd think about him now and again, but I pushed those aside. But in the past day, I've fallen apart again. All the invisible walls I'd built myself in - invisible even to me - came crashing down as a rush of emotion crashed over me. It was no lie to say that I honestly missed him. I cried last night. That was the first time I'd ever really cried over a guy ever. But I did. I let myself slip into that state of weakness where anything or anyone could only hurt you more. A state of vunerability for me. I've found myself thinking of him all the time, and I can't get him out, but I don't try to. I'm not going to lie to myself and say he's just another boy. I'm not going to tell myself to stop feeling the way I do, because I am sure you know as well as I do that you feel the way you do, and if it is a true feeling, then it isn't going to go away.
So maybe I'm sick of covering it up. I'm sick of faking a smile and pretending everything is fine, because in reality, it isn't. I'm through with telling myself it isn't real. Through with saying I can live fine without him. Because the truth is, it was real and it still is real. And although I could live without him, my life would be a mess without.
So here I am again, making wishes at 11:11 like the old days. Maybe someday he can realize that he really did mean the world to me.

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Battle Butterfly
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