26.6.10

Yellow...

So I've decided and I'm letting go. I'm letting go of everything he's pulled me into. I'm turning my back to all I thought I had. I'm leaving him behind because I've finally found a reason to move on. Someone that's actually worth everything I thought Will was worth and yet more at the same time. I've had the feeling ever since last year, and it's this year that I've found not only the feelings grew, but I've discovered that the feelings weren't one sided.
His nickname by the few who know of my feelings towards him refer to him as Yellow. Yes, it is a code name. And no, he doesn't know about it. It was given to him by me because of his goalie gloves. He was on my soccer team this season and last season and he played goalie one half and wing the other half. He is amazing at both, although he claims I can't score on him.... But you know, whatever. His goalie gloves, well two of the fingers, are yellow on the back, giving him the nick-name, by me, of Yellow. I find it clever, but you know, that could just be me.
There was a swim party for the soccer players yesterday, and he made it apparent that he liked me. Sarah and Lizzy were out of town and Grace was 'too tired' to go, so he was the only one I could hang out with even if I didn't like him like that. But I am kind of glad they weren't there, not to be mean to any of you guys, it would've been weird because obviously I would have wanted to hang out with him, as I could hang with my best friends almost anyother time. On the lower side, I did get to thoroughly meet his little brother due to the fact that he wouldn't leave for the whole two hours of the party with the exception of one or two five minute breaks, and at the end when his dad told his brother to leave us alone whem there was about fifteen minutes left. The first thing his brother ever said to me, though, (in the first five minutes of him being there) was "Do you think I'm annoying?" In which case I replied with a simple, "I don't even know you." Ten minutes later I would've done just about anything to get him to go away (I came close to punching him a few times) because it turned out he was very annoying. But all in all, it was a happy ending, even though it could've been much, much better, I'm fine with it. Just the fact that I am now fully aware (I had the feeling starting from about our third soccer game this season) that it's mutual is honestly a blessing. Literally twice a day, at 11:11, I would wish that I knew. And now I do. Anna Lea, a girl thatI knew before she was on my soccer team, but has become a closer friend due to a lot of recent happenings was there watching. Yeah, it was kind of weird, but I didn't really mind. She asked me if he'd asked me out after he left, and after I told her he hadn't, she assured me that he would. I believe her because she's not one to lie about that kind of stuff. I did find it knd of weird though that she became so excited about the whole thing. She had talked to him while I was there and was embarised when she realized she was talking loud enough for me to hear what she was asking and began to talk softer, but she talked to me later when he wasn't there and asked if I liked him. When I replied yes, her eyes lit up as if it was the most amazing thing in the world. It was kind of cute, but anyways...

24.6.10

Bumps in the Road

Right now, everything is really confusing. Yes, I am once again posting about him. There's nothing else on my mind. I'd honestly like to tell myself that I am over him and that there is no point in him being there. Every time I get close, I'd fall right back down. It's hard and I really don't know which way I want to go. Should I let go? Should I fall into him or should I hold on. Should I charge forward? He's been my everything since last August, almost a year. I don't want to loose him, but he's not here. And now, I'm stuck in the middle. I'll find my way. I'll decide. But for now, I'll hang on right here, in the middle.

20.6.10

I'm a Firm Believer In Knowing the English Language

Yes, I live in North America. I'm one of those people who believe if you live in the United States, you should speak the language. Whether it's official or not, English is the language we speak here, and I believe people should really learn it. And I'm not speaking of foreigners migrating over and learning it, although if you move anywhere, I think you should learn the language. No, in this case I'm talking about born and raised Americans not knowing their own language. Yes, they know it, but they do not use it correctly. They use words that aren't supposed to be there. Well and good are NOT synonyms, people! There was a lady sitting behind be in church this morning and I really wanted to turn around and slap her while screaming that and other corrections in her face. I find it even worse when I public speaker uses them incorrectly. A news caster messed it up. Honestly, you'd think they'd be smart enough. If you can tell what the weather is going to be like next week, can you not have the correct knowledge on how to speak correctly? It isn't like you didn't take it at least 13 years of your life, more if you took it in college as well. It's insane and it honestly depresses me. I'm not going to say I'm perfect in the language, but when you can correct adults and graduates on their language, something's got to be up.

Go!Away!

I'm really all confused as of right now. I told myself I wouldn't post about him again, telling myself he's out of my life and there's really no point in him being there. But he found a way back, how I'm still not quite sure of. And right now, I'm not sure if I want to lock him out or give into him. I know the right thing to do. I know I can, but I don't know if I want to. He's always there even when I don't want him to be. It's really a pain in the ass. I'm not going to go on because I honestly don't feel like it.

15.6.10

I'm Almost Afraid to Watch Movies

I've found myself wanting. I've found myself yearning to find. I want it to come I want to fall for it - all of it - and not have to worry about lies or being hurt. I want to be swept away from everything else, the drama, the frustration, the past. I want to find that. perfect. one.
And whenever I watch a movie or read a book with a guy I'd find to be amazing, I only want to find it more and it almost depresses me that it seems like no guy is relatively close to that kind of amazing, not around here at least. To me, all the great guys exist in movies and books. Fictional characters. They're everything you want because everything about them has been given to them. One example that I believe is a great role-model for the perfect guy: Ray Singh from The Lovely Bones.
And what annoys me is the first thing a lot of people ask is 'Is he cute/hot?' I'm sure you've told someone of a crush before and if they don't know that person, they'll most likely ask if he's cute. Not 'Is he nice?' Not 'Is he funny?' None of that. Eight out of ten of my friends would ask for the make and model before personality. I say eight out of ten because I can think of one (maybe two) that wouldn't ask that first off.
I would say I have a higher tolerancy for guys than a lot of my friends. A decent looking guy is absolutely fine with me. I'm not one of the people that go around looking for a hot guy because I-can-only-be-seen-in-public-with-him-if-he's-hot-and-makes-my-friends-jealous kind of girl. I'm not going to lie to you and say looks don't matter because honestly they do to an extent. I'd say ninety-five percent of people would find themselves being less attracted to a guy that isn't as good-looking than a 'cuter' guy, but honestly, if they're at least decent, then that's a start for me. Really, what I consider cute, many (not all) of my friends would consider decent or average. (That's why I keep my mouth shut while we are out at the mall or somewhere. I'll let them say who's cute and just nod and smile.) Really, the guy I am into right now, I consider to be really cute. I don't tell my friends that when they ask though, because it all depends on waht they consider cute becasue I am fully aware of my wider ranger af tolerancy.
I just want to find him already, whoever he is. I'd like to fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. I don't want to have to worry anymore and finding that one guy would do that all.

14.6.10

Running Around With First Graders is Always Exciting

It honestly kills me how people - whether they get volunteered into it or volunteer themselves - act like they don't want to be there. It usually happens that a someone - usually a teen, surprise - get volunteered by their parents to help out with something.
Well, I participate in a VBS at our sister church. (There are two Catholic churches around here, one where I live and one about fifteen minutes away in a neighboring town, which I call our "sister church") I know people that go to both churches and since the one I go to doesn't have a Vacation Bible School (VBS) I help out at our Sister Church's VBS. Everyone helping there is a volunteer. It just bugs me that teens will volunteer or be volunteer and then act as if they don't want to be there. Honestly, even if you don't want to be there, act like you do. I promise you, you'll have a lot more fun. I started last year like that and I didn't like it. I made sure to start this year correctly and I'm having a lot of fun with it. I've met new people, made new friends - a guy going into ninth like me and a girl going into tenth.


Check out the Photographs tab. It's been updated.

11.6.10

Maybe I, too, Need a Scam Protection System

"It's been a long time since someone like you has made me ponder my own direction to include you in. I'm so ashamed"

If you read the blog KitDKat or The Daily Musician, then you may have noticed our names coming up in each other's blog on all the smae topic. It's one thing that conects the three of at the same time. If anything in the world, I would change that. Could we not be connected, the three of us, in a different way? Long story short, we were lied to by the same guy who each of us loved. Although, Katrina says she knew, Amberleigh and I discovered through each other, which I believed made us stronger. I personally believed every word and fell for false impressions. It's not something to be proud of. I made him a priority in my life while he made me an option in his. But then again, I feel we all were just options in his eyes. He had us wrapped around his fingers and we held on. As much as I'd like to say I've moved on, as he is no longer even in the same state, I still find myself thinking of him, my mind wandering off, remembering the way things used to be, and in the end, wondering how much of it was real. How many lies ran through your lip, because there is no doubt in how many I believed. I never concidered myself a niave kind of person, but I fell for all of it. And then it goes on to wonder how you could live with that. Live that way. Does it not even cross your mind that you've hurt people who honestly cared for you, who thought they knew you? It might just be me, but it seems to me you don't.

10.6.10

Il est maintenant à son tour

I've premièred friends' blogs on here before, and I would like to update that now. There are actually a few I need to add to the list, but I am only going to post one here, because this person currently means a lot to me and it seems our blogs are only bringing us closer together. I have that to thank you for, Blogger.

The Daily Musician
This is Amberleigh, also previously referred to as AJ.  She was in my science class in the seventh grade. I feel if it wasn't for her being in that class, we wouldn't be friends at all. We'd probably know of each other, but not really know each other. So thank you, Mrs. Waddell's science class. We've known each other for two years, now, and a lot has happened within them. We have had our ups and downs all the way through. It's almost unbelievable how much we've gone through. One way or another, there has always been tension between us like gasoline, waiting for the right thing to set it off. We would get over it, claiming everything was okay, but it honestly wasn't. We were just able to stand each other. But it wasn't until recently when we really bonded. She has moved away to Indiana and as I've had my blog, she recently made one herself. She also read mine. In reading each other's posts, I feel, has brought us closer together. She read 'My Uber Long Post of a Check up' and afterwards, we discussed issues brought up in it, discovering the guy we both seemed to love has actually been lying to the both of us-more than either of us would like to believe. He has moved away now too, all three of us in different locations. But also, in reading her blog, it has honestly led me to not only believe, but trust, that she really does love him. That undying love in itself gives me hope, although as of now, I'm not quite sure myself what it gives me hope for, but the hope is there. What I called 'obsessing' was her love, and I fully accept that, now. I feel that I have yet to feel love, but I am not rushing it. All the times I thought were love, I am sure of now were not, and she has proven that to me. For that, I thank you, Amberleigh. Thank you for being a friend I can trust. Thank you for being there with an open ear. Thank you for sharing things with me that I otherwise would not have known of - or the truth of. But most of all, thank you for being you. I love you.

9.6.10

Dearest Dentist,

As I sat in the lobby of the dentist's office the other day, I was privileged to be the only one there for about thirty seconds. Within the next two minutes, almost all the chairs - there were nine chairs - were filled. I took note of the order the chairs were filled, and the results came as no surprise to me. As one by one, teenagers sat down, they took every other chair to start with. Once those are taken, they look at gender or size. If it was a boy walking in, he would probably sit with the guys. I say probably because this has happened everytime I observe, except for the other day when a guy sat next to me to sit at an end chair instead of sitting between two guys that looked close to the same age. A younger child would walk in everyonce in a while with their parents. If their was only one chair with two empty chairs on either side, the parent would take the one farthest away from people and make their child sit beside them next to a stranger. I also noted that almost everyone had their cell phone out either texting or pretending to text. Everyone tried to aviod eye contact, no one looking at anyone else in the room. It was silent and no one made any attempt at conversation. The younger kids, however, would look around quite freely. There was nothing wrong with looking around. There was nothing wrong with talking. Nothing wrong with choosing a seat next to someone instead of having empty chairs on either side of you. Younger ones tend to be more outgoing than the older ones - in theis case, teens. I think it would be better if people were more like younger ones, and not feel akward as you waited not-so-patiently for a dentist to call your name so you can leave the stillness of the room, escape the tenseness.

8.6.10

Who to believe...

Amberleigh, this post is dedicated to you.

All the lies. The small amount of truth. It's hard to tell what's real. What's fake in the world? Who do I believe? Who should I believe?
In a recent post, I acused one of my friends of lying to me. After she mentioned it to me and after we discussed it, I realized that Amberleigh was not the one to blame in any of it, although there was only one thing I blamed her for. I wasn't mad about it anymore, as I can't stay mad at people for more than a few days. I'd forgiven AJ about the lies, but it turns out there was nothing to forgive her for.
I trusted both AJ and Will at that time and after all that happened, I believed Will more than her, whilst it should have been the other way around. Will has lied to me before and I should have realized that sooner. It's too late for all that now, but the fact of the matter is that I trust AJ more than Will. Her moving has given me this eery feeling inside that I'm not too fond of. Like something is missing. A part of me broken away now with her. I miss her, as I am sure she misses all of her friends here. I don't have a lot of really close friends, but she was one of them. That and the fact that my best friend since fifth grade is going away to ASFA next year, is going to make my freshman year very lonely. Sure, there will be Amaryst and Caitlin and Katrina and Lizzy and te rest of them, but I won't be able to walk into the school in the morning before class starts and be able to see Amberleigh and Sarah sitting on the fifth bleacher with Will, Blake, and the rest of them. It won't be the same, and I am dreading that. They were the two people I could talk to, about anything. They were a comfort to me and I'd like to think that I was there for them as much as they were there for me.
No more hugs from Sarah as we walk to class together. No more hearing Amberleigh burst into laughter at the Friday lunch table. No more poking Sarah and hearing her yelp in surprise. No more seeing the look of total confusioon on Amberleigh's face - that she and I both found ourselves doing every once in a while - that I learned to love.
It's all gone. It ended at the end of this school year and it all just now clicked. Three important people in my life and school-life weren't going to be seen.

6.6.10

My Favorite Song Changes Constantly

Well I'm in love with a new song. It's a Hellogoodbye song. I've known about it for a while, but it was recently really listened to. The words mean a lot, and I know exactly what he means bye everything stated in the song.

Here are the lyrics. If you want to listen to the song, it's the third song on the playlist to the right. ((If you aren't hearing music about now, your computer is slow, your volume is down, or you've already found and paused the song "Dressed up to Undress" by Breathe Carolina.))

Dear Jamie I've got a letter I would like to send
It's lacking strings of words with punctuation at the end.
Should I trust this dialect?
To convey the right effect?

Dear Jamie I've got some things I'd like to set in pen
I would have used a pencil but lead's just not permanent.
Should I trust my printer's ink?
To express the things I think?


Every page I tried my best to think of something to contest
With inside jokes and all the folks could have much more to say


Dear Jamie this envelope will represent my heart
I'll seal it, send it off and wish it luck with its depart.
This stamp will be every action that carry my affection
Across the air and land and sea
Should I trust the postage due?
To deliver my heart to you?

Every page I tried my best to think of something to contest
With inside jokes and other folks who have much more to say


Every page I tried my best to think of something to contest
With inside jokes and other folks who have much more to say

Give you all I can
Flower and a hand
I hope this helps you see
Signed Sincerely me

5.6.10

The More the Merrier, Correct?

I find it amazing how so many of my close friends have miraculously made a blog. Now, my closest friends, minus Latosha, have a blog. They are all previewed to the right. Each of them has their own slot. Each of them are great in their own form or fashion.

Canderland
This blog belongs to Caitlin aka Cander. She's been my amazing friend ever since kindergarten. It's almost a surprise she's been able to put up with me all these years. It'll be 10 years knowing each other once this up-coming school year begins. The sad thing is, I don't even remember meeting her. I can only remember playing on the playground, acting like it was a ship as we sailed to far off places, or i the gym as we pretended to dig up dinosaur bones because we were archeologists.

AMP up Your Life
That's right! AMP it up! This blog also belongs to a long-time friend of mine. Oh, Amaryst and I were friends together with Caitlin before she had to up and move to a different school. I didn't see her for another five years, but when we ended up in school together once again in seventh grade, nothing had changed. We were still insane people who just so happened to be best friends.

Everybody's Mad Here
This pinkish blog belongs to a friend of mine referred to as Lizzy, to her mother's dismay - yes, it is the shortened form of Elizabeth. We've been friends since the start of seventh grade. It seems like yesterday I was introduced to her. If I recall correctly, it was a rough start, but she's a close friend of mine now. I've found myself going to her to talk to when I don't know who else to go to. It comforting. I know she can keep secrets, and I appreciate that.

This Blog is Called
This blog-in-the-making belongs to a guy I know as Davis. He's a recent friend, though. I've known him for about a month. He was close friends with many of my friends, so I decided I'd get to know him - that and the fact that Latosha wouldn't shut up about him. He's insane, but that fits right in with us. I really don't have a lot to put here due to the fact that we haven't know each other very long, but hopefully that'll change as the future months go by.


So those are my friends, at least the ones that currently have an active blog. Go check them out! They are all amazing.

4.6.10

My Uber Long Post of A Check up

Lately my life has been full of surprises, some good, some okay, and some a mixture of emotions.
It just so turns out Will, aka ex-boyfriend and the one that was threatened to be killed, actually still liked me. Which means the break up we had had was kind of for nothing. I discovered this after giving him a note I'd written him before I found out he wasn't actually going to die... because the fight was called off. I gave it to him anyway. I felt obliged to...
Will land I continued to pass notes, which, obviously, didn't go over so well with the overprotective girlfriend of his, Amberleigh. [[here forth referred to as AJ]] You see, AJ is overly obsessed with Will and it's quite obnoxious. She's been obsessed with him since he moved here the winter of 2008. They've gone out multiple times, starting the summer after he moved here. They went out twice. He was then in a relationship with moi until The start of January.
The story behind that is a rather sad one. AJ, always obsessed, lied to me about him liking someone else. I broke up with him and AJ had him for herself. She still hasn't apologized for that, and I actually don't want her to. I know she's not sorry. Why would she be? It meant she got another chance with him. The following months, they went in and out of relationships left and right. I didn't keep up. I had no desire to. I was focused more on keeping my grades decent than trying to keep up with their dramatic lifestyles.
AJ discovered she was moving, and Will, wanting to make her happy before she moved, agreed to go back out with her, breaking up with my cousin, which he'd gone out with before, to do so.
So now your caught up to what I was speaking of before.
Although I wanted it to be nothing, it wasn't, now that I look at it. AJ was paranoid about the whole thing, starting the first day-a Monday. Throughout the week we passed each other notes, AJ got more upset, Will grew apart from AJ, who was desperately clinging on, and I fell more in love. I tried not to make it sound like I wanted him to be with me, but it was hard. I wanted him to be happy. He wasn't happy with AJ. But even when it was apparent Will didn't feel the same, AJ was overly joyed when she was 'with' Will. I didn't want to hurt her. I'd been mad at her before and I know she's been mad at me. We've been in and out of friendships, so I didn't want her to leave in a bad tone.
Either way, i couldn't change Will's decision.
Wednesday of that same week, AJ confronted me at my locker, after I wrote her a lovely note including the words 'You have nothing to worry about. [[between me and will]] Will doesn't cheat. If you don't know that, you don't know him.' Obviously she was a little upset about my slightly harsh words. She old me it wasn't him she was worried about. It was me. She was worried I was taking him. At the time, I didn't think I was. For Will had told me moments ago that he was going to break up with AJ when she moved. I told her she had nothing to worry about.
I see now that she did.
The next day Will told me in writing that he was going to break up with AJ. I was overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. I had the feeling she was going to push it onto me, make me seem like the culprit. Her the victim. I wanting to tell him not to. To wait till she did move, but the small part of me that was glad about his choice, held me back. I let him.
We were together the next day and I discovered Will was moving too. At the end of the school year. He promised me this time it was for real. I didn't doubt him. His parents had threatened to move multiple times, but never really did. I guessed they really would this time.
Although I was blind at the time, I see now why Will broke up with Aj sooner than planned.
He wanted to be with me before he left. And AJ was moving after he was.
We lasted two weeks. Till the end of school. It ended two days before exams started.
I was shaken up about it at first, but I've calmed down now. Two days was it for my sadness and then it was gone. It's hard to say. Is it okay for me to mourn for such a short time?  I even like someone else, now. I've liked him for about a year. He was on my soccer team last season, and this season. It ended [[the season]] last Saturday, so I'll only get to see him one more time before next year. He might not even be on my team next year. He goes to a different school. Its kind of sad. I don't know if he likes me or not but everyday, at 11:11, in the morning and at night, I wish I knew. I wish I could tell him. Maybe when June 10th comes around, the day of the end of the year party, aka possibly the last time I see him, maybe a miracle will happen.

It is actually a relief for me that AJ moved. It subtracts a lot of drama from my life.  And the fact that Will not only moved, but moved in the opposite direction, relieves even more drama.