"I feel more apart of your past than any part of your future. It could just be the immense lack of communication that has shoved this feeling inside of me, the fact that I haven't seen you in almost half a year, or the dreadful combination of both, but it's there and it haunts me. I feel like I've lost my best friend as she's moved on to a much livelier place than Florence, Alabama, surrounding herself with new places and people, people much cooler than I, making the position I had here easier to fill there. I feel as if I've been forgotten, left behind. I miss being apart of your life and I miss you being the biggest part of mine.
Shit, now I'm crying.
I miss you, Sarah, and love you more than... I can't even think of anything closely comparable. There's no one I know that could ever come close to being able to replace you.
I guess this is what it feels like when you want to be a part of someone who is out of your league. I feel so far away from you."
17.1.11
Sarah Kirch
15.1.11
Oops
I am proud to say I honestly don't care anymore, if you didn't happen to gather that from That's Why Fireflies Flash II. I'm completely done with the whole thing... well not completely. I've still got a few things I've got to do, but you'll hear about that once that has been completed. I'm hoping that those were the last of the aggravating blog posts for a while.
In other news, we performed School House Rock last weekend which was amazing!
That reminds me that I had another 'freshman musical theatre exam moment' recently.
And I've just come to realize that I never posted about that. Okay, well, let me fix that.
At the end of the last semester, we had to take exams for every class we were in, no matter what grade we had accumulated over that grading period. Which meant my musical theatre class had an exam as well, but this exam wasn't going to written in any form or fashion. We had to perform in front of the whole class. You could sing, dance or both. You could do it solo, duet, or in a group. Our teacher told us about it on a Monday, to be performed the up-coming Friday or following Monday. The information I had received included the fact that it had to be from a musical. My original plan-a duet with one of the guys in the class-officially fell through on the Wednesday of that week. So Wednesday night, I had to search for a song to do on my own. Disney was my savior. My first thought had been 'Reflections' from the movie Mulan, but upon looking through the top Disney songs, I was reminded of the song 'Part of Your World' from The Little Mermaid. I quickly decided on that song and got everything I needed for it. Our Christmas performance was that Thursday so there wasn't very much practice before-hand. I had to cram the lyrics into my head in two days. I had at least two sheets of paper that I had copied the lyrics onto to try to get them to come to me from memory. And besides, I can't start singing the song in the middle of class to see if I remember them. The song was running through my head non-stop. It was ridiculous, but I was set on nailing this. None of the class had ever really heard me sing before, so I wanted to get it right.
So Friday comes and after having Adrienne help me on the bus on the way there, I felt prepared and confident that I was gonna nail it.
Not very many people wanted to go Friday. I think there was only like four or five that went. I was the last one. I was hesitant at first. I had found out that day that it didn't actually have to be from a musical, so I was considering a change in song, but I wanted to get it over with and I'm glad I did because the other song wouldn't have been as good to perform anyway, although it's an amazing song (I Love You 5 by Never Shout Never). I was also hesitant because neither Dederick or the original duet 'idea' partner was there. I decided to go anyway. My adrenaline was going since the moment I stepped into the room. I retrieved my CD right as Dederick and the other guy walked in.
Now I was completely ready.
I tell the teacher and everyone else the song I'm singing and everyone smiles, even the teacher. (My dad had her as a chorus teacher (as I do now as well) when he was in high school. Now it was my turn to show her that she had another Hornbuckle to look forward to)
The music starts and I start to sing the song and I could tell, they were surprised. A few of the people who were mouthing the words had stopped to listen. Pretty much everyone was smiling. The teacher, probably the most as she continued to mouth the words. I knew they liked it.
After the song, I was reassured that everyone liked it. After the applause, I was overwhelmed with "Where have you been hiding?" "She (teacher) is gonna be given you all the solos next year!" and the one I heard the most was "I don't know what to say to you." The duet guy said with loads of obvious astonishment in his voice, "I didn't know you could sing like that!" Haha, I know. (I was glad that he didn't do it with me when he sang his. Wow. Not meant to be rude, but no.)
Another guy in the class (who did a gorgeous dance routine on that Monday with Dederick and one of the girls in the class that almost had me at tears) summoned me over to where he was sitting to bombard be with,"Where have you been hiding?" "You've got a gorgeous voice!" "Where did you get that voice?" and some other things that I don't remember.
Nevertheless, I walked out of there on cloud ten (not nine) not because I'm stuck up and now thought I was better than everyone else, but because for once I actually felt like I could walk into such a talented class and belong. It was such a great feeling.
I would continue by sharing my more recent event, but I think this post is long enough. Woops.
In other news, we performed School House Rock last weekend which was amazing!
That reminds me that I had another 'freshman musical theatre exam moment' recently.
And I've just come to realize that I never posted about that. Okay, well, let me fix that.
At the end of the last semester, we had to take exams for every class we were in, no matter what grade we had accumulated over that grading period. Which meant my musical theatre class had an exam as well, but this exam wasn't going to written in any form or fashion. We had to perform in front of the whole class. You could sing, dance or both. You could do it solo, duet, or in a group. Our teacher told us about it on a Monday, to be performed the up-coming Friday or following Monday. The information I had received included the fact that it had to be from a musical. My original plan-a duet with one of the guys in the class-officially fell through on the Wednesday of that week. So Wednesday night, I had to search for a song to do on my own. Disney was my savior. My first thought had been 'Reflections' from the movie Mulan, but upon looking through the top Disney songs, I was reminded of the song 'Part of Your World' from The Little Mermaid. I quickly decided on that song and got everything I needed for it. Our Christmas performance was that Thursday so there wasn't very much practice before-hand. I had to cram the lyrics into my head in two days. I had at least two sheets of paper that I had copied the lyrics onto to try to get them to come to me from memory. And besides, I can't start singing the song in the middle of class to see if I remember them. The song was running through my head non-stop. It was ridiculous, but I was set on nailing this. None of the class had ever really heard me sing before, so I wanted to get it right.
So Friday comes and after having Adrienne help me on the bus on the way there, I felt prepared and confident that I was gonna nail it.
Not very many people wanted to go Friday. I think there was only like four or five that went. I was the last one. I was hesitant at first. I had found out that day that it didn't actually have to be from a musical, so I was considering a change in song, but I wanted to get it over with and I'm glad I did because the other song wouldn't have been as good to perform anyway, although it's an amazing song (I Love You 5 by Never Shout Never). I was also hesitant because neither Dederick or the original duet 'idea' partner was there. I decided to go anyway. My adrenaline was going since the moment I stepped into the room. I retrieved my CD right as Dederick and the other guy walked in.
Now I was completely ready.
I tell the teacher and everyone else the song I'm singing and everyone smiles, even the teacher. (My dad had her as a chorus teacher (as I do now as well) when he was in high school. Now it was my turn to show her that she had another Hornbuckle to look forward to)
The music starts and I start to sing the song and I could tell, they were surprised. A few of the people who were mouthing the words had stopped to listen. Pretty much everyone was smiling. The teacher, probably the most as she continued to mouth the words. I knew they liked it.
After the song, I was reassured that everyone liked it. After the applause, I was overwhelmed with "Where have you been hiding?" "She (teacher) is gonna be given you all the solos next year!" and the one I heard the most was "I don't know what to say to you." The duet guy said with loads of obvious astonishment in his voice, "I didn't know you could sing like that!" Haha, I know. (I was glad that he didn't do it with me when he sang his. Wow. Not meant to be rude, but no.)
Another guy in the class (who did a gorgeous dance routine on that Monday with Dederick and one of the girls in the class that almost had me at tears) summoned me over to where he was sitting to bombard be with,"Where have you been hiding?" "You've got a gorgeous voice!" "Where did you get that voice?" and some other things that I don't remember.
Nevertheless, I walked out of there on cloud ten (not nine) not because I'm stuck up and now thought I was better than everyone else, but because for once I actually felt like I could walk into such a talented class and belong. It was such a great feeling.
I would continue by sharing my more recent event, but I think this post is long enough. Woops.
12.1.11
That's Why Fireflies Flash II
As the end of the year continued, I found more and more information, but the majority came to me on the very last day of the year.
I found out all my information from two people that talked to both me and Cheyenne, though Cheyenne has no idea. She had admitted to one of them that she did in fact like Maroon. When this information was passed onto me, I found it no surprise.
But it was when I found out the entire story that I realized I had been bluntly lied to.
Maroon called Cheyenne the day her and Silver started going out.
Okay, no big deal.
He then called her everyday of the break. Eventually, he told her that he thought he was falling in love with her.
He hardly talked to me or attempted to get ahold of me during the break except for the day he broke up with me. I called him multiple times while I was in Disney. Most of the time it went to voicemail. I left my messages, but I never heard back.
So I guess you can honestly say that he was pretty much avoiding me.
Cheyenne said she wasn't sure if she liked him and that she would have to hang out with him. They did hang out after the 27th, but I don't know how that went.
I did end up talking to Cheyenne. I hadn't talked to her in forever because, you can guess, I just didn't like her. But I wanted to talk to her. And although it was a shock to everyone and a disappointment to some, I was going to be nice.
So I pretty much lied to her face when I said:
We had a short conversation that included me continuing to lie and her saying that whatever we've been through in the past is behind us. Let's just forget about it. I understand. You can talk to me. blahblahblah.fuckmylife.
So she thinks that we're cool now. But we aren't. I still dislike her. I dislike how much she compares to Amberleigh. I love Amberleigh to death, but Cheyenne, gah! She has no good traits!
In our conversation, the fact that Maroon had told me he loved me came up. She questioned this, saying hat Maroon hadn't told her he told me he loved me (when we were dating). I sent her a screen shot of a text that he had sent me saying he loved me-one of the many times he had.
HA! HE'S ALREADY LIED TO YOU, BITCH!
hm..
my apologies.
So, Cheyenne was forbidden by her parents to date him because he had lied to her. Upon her telling Maroon this and that she was going to try to convince them to let her date him, Maroon said he didn't care.
Schadenfreude!
As of two days ago, I hadn't talked to Maroon at all. He randomly greeted me through text message and it ended up a little something like this:
I know what I am doing. What though, I won't say.
But anyways, what has come out of this?
From the words of a dear friend:
I found out all my information from two people that talked to both me and Cheyenne, though Cheyenne has no idea. She had admitted to one of them that she did in fact like Maroon. When this information was passed onto me, I found it no surprise.
But it was when I found out the entire story that I realized I had been bluntly lied to.
Maroon called Cheyenne the day her and Silver started going out.
Okay, no big deal.
He then called her everyday of the break. Eventually, he told her that he thought he was falling in love with her.
He hardly talked to me or attempted to get ahold of me during the break except for the day he broke up with me. I called him multiple times while I was in Disney. Most of the time it went to voicemail. I left my messages, but I never heard back.
So I guess you can honestly say that he was pretty much avoiding me.
Cheyenne said she wasn't sure if she liked him and that she would have to hang out with him. They did hang out after the 27th, but I don't know how that went.
I did end up talking to Cheyenne. I hadn't talked to her in forever because, you can guess, I just didn't like her. But I wanted to talk to her. And although it was a shock to everyone and a disappointment to some, I was going to be nice.
So I pretty much lied to her face when I said:
"In no way do I want you to get upset or mad. I just want to say this. And in no way am I trying to be mean because I don't want to be.
I'm never going to tell you who to date. I've never done that to anyone and I don't plan on it.
I'm not mad anymore. Hurt, yes, but that's no surprise. The guy I loved lied to me and is supposedly now in love with you. He was okay with lying and decieving me after everything we went through. He can lie a deceive anyone he wants to. In no way do I want to be mean or to tell you what to do, but he can do it to you, too just as easily.
I'm trying to be okay with this whole thing, but it is hard. When you love someone, seeing them with anyone else hurts and I am just asking you to understand and respect that. I'm not telling you not to date him. If you want to, fine. Obvioously he likes you enough to lie to me to get to you; I'm just asking you to try to understand what this is on my side."Asking her to understand that is like asking a brick to turn itself to sand. It can't do it on its own, but with time and some pounding on, it could happen.
We had a short conversation that included me continuing to lie and her saying that whatever we've been through in the past is behind us. Let's just forget about it. I understand. You can talk to me. blahblahblah.fuckmylife.
So she thinks that we're cool now. But we aren't. I still dislike her. I dislike how much she compares to Amberleigh. I love Amberleigh to death, but Cheyenne, gah! She has no good traits!
In our conversation, the fact that Maroon had told me he loved me came up. She questioned this, saying hat Maroon hadn't told her he told me he loved me (when we were dating). I sent her a screen shot of a text that he had sent me saying he loved me-one of the many times he had.
HA! HE'S ALREADY LIED TO YOU, BITCH!
hm..
my apologies.
So, Cheyenne was forbidden by her parents to date him because he had lied to her. Upon her telling Maroon this and that she was going to try to convince them to let her date him, Maroon said he didn't care.
Schadenfreude!
As of two days ago, I hadn't talked to Maroon at all. He randomly greeted me through text message and it ended up a little something like this:
M(him): Hey
A(me): Hey?
M: Why the question mark?
A: You haven't talked to me since you broke up with me. I was slightly surprised at the random greeting.
M: Sorry I've been really stressed out and sick
A: Sure (like that gave him an excuse not to talk to me!)
M: Ok well I guess you dont wanna talk I'll leave you alone
A: You can't just randomly text me and leave like that. I was simply saying. What was I supposed to say? That I'm sorry?
M: Sorry for what?
A: That you were sick and stressed.
M: Thanks (Did I ever apologize? no...?)
A: I'm confused now. Of well. Anyway.
M: Anyway I'm sick and I just wanted to say hello but I'm going to sleep
A: Well hello and I hope you feel better and I guess goodnight.
I know what I am doing. What though, I won't say.
But anyways, what has come out of this?
From the words of a dear friend:
"In our relationship, I was the brains and he was the asshole and that if he walked in front of me on a crosswalk, I would speed up and run him over and that I pray he chokes on a happy meal because if not, Adrienne is going to shove a yellow crayon down his throat."italics=lie
Beautiful things never last.
That's why fireflies flash.
3.1.11
That's Why Fireflies Flash
Once again, I was hurt by lies. One would probably think it foolish of me to still care for either of them, but I've come to accept that I will always have somekind of feelings towards Will. As for maroon, probably not. Sure,I loved him, but it wasn't quite the same. I'm starting to wonder if anything ever will be.
I had the feeling things between Cheyenne and I would get worse before they got any better. And we've reached the worse, but I'll get to that eventually.
I thought everything was fine between maroon and I. The last day before I got out of school to go off to Disney for four days, I had my P.E. exam. He was in the class as well and having two hours to take the thirty-or-so question exam gave us plenty of time to do nothing. For the majority of it, he was kicking a soccer ball around with his best friend, but for almost an hour, he was with Katrina and I. He would lie down, his head on my lap, fiddling with my fingers. He had made it appear then and everytime before that we really had something and I left for winter break believing that. Maybe we did have something, but it didn't last over break.
Cheyenne was, for the most part, maintaining a state of neutrality with me again, though the tension was still slightly high because of our last incident, but it had simmered down. Cheyenne was having her own boy stuff. We'll name him... silver. Silver liked Cheyenne for a while and when she found out, she, I guess, saw her opportunity and took it. The two of them finally started going out the Friday after we got out for break, with a lot of objections from pretty much everyone else.
On the 27th of December, I find a message on Facebook from Maroon:
He had made it sound as if 'we' still had a hope and that I just had to save it and everything would be okay. Wrapped in false illusions and over-reacting emotions, I sent this in reply:
This drove me up the wall. Not only because it was upsetting, but because none of it, no matter how hard I tried to understand, made any sense. I understand a lot; it's why people come to me for problems, but it was driving me insane that I couldn't understand this.
I had had the feeling Cheyenne had feelings for Maroon, especially after what she'd thought that I displayed at the end of the last post. I just wouldn't accept the possibility of it going both ways. After he broke up with me, I had the feeling Cheyenne would make a move on him.
I just didn't think she already had.
(to be continued)
I had the feeling things between Cheyenne and I would get worse before they got any better. And we've reached the worse, but I'll get to that eventually.
I thought everything was fine between maroon and I. The last day before I got out of school to go off to Disney for four days, I had my P.E. exam. He was in the class as well and having two hours to take the thirty-or-so question exam gave us plenty of time to do nothing. For the majority of it, he was kicking a soccer ball around with his best friend, but for almost an hour, he was with Katrina and I. He would lie down, his head on my lap, fiddling with my fingers. He had made it appear then and everytime before that we really had something and I left for winter break believing that. Maybe we did have something, but it didn't last over break.
Cheyenne was, for the most part, maintaining a state of neutrality with me again, though the tension was still slightly high because of our last incident, but it had simmered down. Cheyenne was having her own boy stuff. We'll name him... silver. Silver liked Cheyenne for a while and when she found out, she, I guess, saw her opportunity and took it. The two of them finally started going out the Friday after we got out for break, with a lot of objections from pretty much everyone else.
On the 27th of December, I find a message on Facebook from Maroon:
"Hey, listen. We need to talk when you get the chance because this isn't working, April. We never talk. I'm sorry. But I don't think we gonna work anymore."Mind his grammar, I fixed a lot of it.
He had made it sound as if 'we' still had a hope and that I just had to save it and everything would be okay. Wrapped in false illusions and over-reacting emotions, I sent this in reply:
"I need this to work, (Maroon), because I need you. I've never been so happy as I have when I'm around you. Never felt more complete than when you called me baby. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I meant it when I said I thought we had something and I thought you meant it, too. I believed everything.Yeah sure, I was shaken up a bit, especially after the text-messaged conversation we had later. Summarized, he told me that he "didn't feel the same way (he) did as when (he) first started talking to (me)" and that he thought we were better off as friends, but that he still loved me and always would.
But I want you to be happy more than anything. If you think it's not working or just want it not to work, then I'll let go; not just you, but everything we had and everything we could've had.
It's winter break and we just finished Christmas. Of course the amount of communication is going to be lower, but I've texted you everyday; you not texting back most of the time is what's gotten me. I would have called you, but I've been sick and still don't have a voice so it wouldn't have done either us much good if I had.
I love you (Maroon), more than anything and I mean it with everything I've got. I want this to work, so tell me how.
Completely,
April.
This drove me up the wall. Not only because it was upsetting, but because none of it, no matter how hard I tried to understand, made any sense. I understand a lot; it's why people come to me for problems, but it was driving me insane that I couldn't understand this.
I had had the feeling Cheyenne had feelings for Maroon, especially after what she'd thought that I displayed at the end of the last post. I just wouldn't accept the possibility of it going both ways. After he broke up with me, I had the feeling Cheyenne would make a move on him.
I just didn't think she already had.
(to be continued)
2.12.10
Take a Deep Breath
A lot has happened since the last words I've posted on here and I think it's time for an update.
I considered posting three different posts, but decided against it. One long post with three different parts. Here we go.
Part One:
I was wrong...
About the whole maroon thing.
The last time I posted, my mind was elsewhere. I was insanely confused and rather hurt. I was trying to find one thing that could be an excuse for me to not have feelings for him.
After I've come up from a psychological fall like that, I've realized how I tend to come up with rash explanations and excuses. It can end up hurting me sometimes, especially when I act on impulses I'm unsure of, which one day I am bound to do. I'm surprised I didn't screw up any chance of being with maroon after what I'd said.
Because in a way, it did sting a bit after what he'd done, but I'm not going to go into that, as simple as it is.
I am in a relationship with him now, I feel obliged to say. 11.21.10
-------
Part Two:
I've got choreography and music just about coming out of my ears and I think it's great.
The two upcoming events?
I considered posting three different posts, but decided against it. One long post with three different parts. Here we go.
Part One:
I was wrong...
About the whole maroon thing.
The last time I posted, my mind was elsewhere. I was insanely confused and rather hurt. I was trying to find one thing that could be an excuse for me to not have feelings for him.
After I've come up from a psychological fall like that, I've realized how I tend to come up with rash explanations and excuses. It can end up hurting me sometimes, especially when I act on impulses I'm unsure of, which one day I am bound to do. I'm surprised I didn't screw up any chance of being with maroon after what I'd said.
Because in a way, it did sting a bit after what he'd done, but I'm not going to go into that, as simple as it is.
I am in a relationship with him now, I feel obliged to say. 11.21.10
-------
Part Two:
I've got choreography and music just about coming out of my ears and I think it's great.
The two upcoming events?
- Chorus' Christmas performance
Although I do think it's unfair for the freshman to only be in one song (although I'm pretty sure it's two, but no one has taught the rest of the freshman, how the dance goes to that one. I could if she realized we were in it. I think she is considering taking us out of it), I do think we should be in more. Although, I only think it unfair to about the five to ten people that actually want to be in this show choir thing. The rest of the freshmen don't care. They expressed to me two weeks ago when the teacher wasn't there that they really didn't give a shit about what we were doing... which absolutely pisses me off. But whether the freshman are in one or two, makes no difference to me. I am going to be in five or six because of me being in musical theatre. I don't know what I'd do without that class. I would go insane, literally. It would completely drive me up the wall! That's why I am not going to be in chorus first semester next year. I will probably get my health credit first semester and do chorus second semester for show choir, depending on how much I like show choir this year.
But now I am just getting off track. That was for talking about the crap in chorus and our show, not what classes I'm going to be taking....
2. School House Rock Live!
As of now, it is a complete mess. The people that are in it (and there are a lot) don't really care about it, so there are about twenty-five that are actually trying and going to all the practices. There are about fifteen songs, all from the original School House Rock that most people know from their childhood's (more adults than teens) We started out with fifty-two cast members. It has, as of now, dwindled down to a whopping twenty-seven. It is slowly coming together, though, which is reassuring.
-------
Part Three:
Drama... again, but this time it isn't as bad as the last.
Of course it involves Cheyenne. There wouldn't be drama if it wasn't for her.
But I am not having anything to do with it.
Adrienne (A) is one of my new best friends... literally. She has pretty much filled the position Sarah had in my life before she went to ASFA. Let me say that no one can ever take Sarah's place, but everyone needs a close friend and that is what Adrienne is now since Sarah currently can't.
Anyway, Cheyenne knows A is one of my friends and that if she talked about me, A would tell me what she said. A told me this and followed it by informing me that she wanted A to tell me what she had said about me so I would "get mad at her and get in a fight with her".
I apologize for being the bigger person and not giving a damn (mind my language) about what people say about me. It just doesn't bother me.
She claims I am trying to 'steal' A from her although I've done no such thing. I don't drag people or say you can be my friend or hers. I have friends who are friends with people I don't like, but that doesn't bother me in the least bit. Just because I have a problem with them doesn't mean they have to.
She also claims I am not as tough as I seem. How that as anything to do with anything, I don't know, but hey, whatever.
Cheyenne thinks every guy that talks to her is flirting with her and that everyone who has ever sat near her likes her.
She told A she thought this about Michael as well. Then A told her he was dating me.
I don't think she gets it.
-------
But there you go.
I'm sure there will be another update sooner than later.
2. School House Rock Live!
As of now, it is a complete mess. The people that are in it (and there are a lot) don't really care about it, so there are about twenty-five that are actually trying and going to all the practices. There are about fifteen songs, all from the original School House Rock that most people know from their childhood's (more adults than teens) We started out with fifty-two cast members. It has, as of now, dwindled down to a whopping twenty-seven. It is slowly coming together, though, which is reassuring.
-------
Part Three:
Drama... again, but this time it isn't as bad as the last.
Of course it involves Cheyenne. There wouldn't be drama if it wasn't for her.
But I am not having anything to do with it.
Adrienne (A) is one of my new best friends... literally. She has pretty much filled the position Sarah had in my life before she went to ASFA. Let me say that no one can ever take Sarah's place, but everyone needs a close friend and that is what Adrienne is now since Sarah currently can't.
Anyway, Cheyenne knows A is one of my friends and that if she talked about me, A would tell me what she said. A told me this and followed it by informing me that she wanted A to tell me what she had said about me so I would "get mad at her and get in a fight with her".
I apologize for being the bigger person and not giving a damn (mind my language) about what people say about me. It just doesn't bother me.
She claims I am trying to 'steal' A from her although I've done no such thing. I don't drag people or say you can be my friend or hers. I have friends who are friends with people I don't like, but that doesn't bother me in the least bit. Just because I have a problem with them doesn't mean they have to.
She also claims I am not as tough as I seem. How that as anything to do with anything, I don't know, but hey, whatever.
Cheyenne thinks every guy that talks to her is flirting with her and that everyone who has ever sat near her likes her.
She told A she thought this about Michael as well. Then A told her he was dating me.
I don't think she gets it.
-------
But there you go.
I'm sure there will be another update sooner than later.
20.10.10
Psyche not Sike
So maybe I'm confused, psychologically out of whack.
Maybe I was never actually completely over Will. Maybe somewhere, lurking in the back of my head, my love for him still existed. Maybe I'm still a believer that love never dies - true love, that is. Maybe he's creeping his way back and I am continuing to fall.
Maybe everything above shouldn't be maybes. Those are things I am absolutely sure of, but...
Maybe I like Maroon, but not like I loved Will. Could it be that I am trying to replace Will with someone else? How am I thinking this logical? What if I spend time with Maroon and discover that I do like him more than I started out with. I know he's moving in January - another person gone. Shouldn't I not be trying to become attached? I know if I do, and he moves, it's not going to make anything any easier.
"I've just come to this reality this year on how much I try to help other people when in all actuality, I need to be focusing on keeping my own self together. I've got a lot of things going on that I have to try and figure out. I'm psychologically confused, I can't focus on anything at all (even my friends and people not so close to me have noticed a difference. I'm staring into space more often and not absorbing what they say as much as I used to. Similar, but not as severe, to when Will moved at the end of the last school year, although no one witnessed that due to it being the summer) and having a guy seize in front of me in PE today isn't really helping me get a grip on what's going on right now. There are just some things I need to sort out before I can actually go and put myself back together again. Some people might call it self centered, but as much as I feel obliged to help friends when they are going through some things, I am learning that I need to work on myself before others. I know it's something I've got to do. I can't keep pushing it aside and say it will all work out, because for it to work out, I've got to figure out what it is. I'm trying to work out, pick out all the details and figure out what is it that I'm having so much difficulty with and try to solve it. I'm beginning to figure it out and I've got my guess, but I'm not one hundred percent sure, and if what I think it is really is the case, then my solution is beyond me for now."
Maybe I was never actually completely over Will. Maybe somewhere, lurking in the back of my head, my love for him still existed. Maybe I'm still a believer that love never dies - true love, that is. Maybe he's creeping his way back and I am continuing to fall.
Maybe everything above shouldn't be maybes. Those are things I am absolutely sure of, but...
Maybe I like Maroon, but not like I loved Will. Could it be that I am trying to replace Will with someone else? How am I thinking this logical? What if I spend time with Maroon and discover that I do like him more than I started out with. I know he's moving in January - another person gone. Shouldn't I not be trying to become attached? I know if I do, and he moves, it's not going to make anything any easier.
"I've just come to this reality this year on how much I try to help other people when in all actuality, I need to be focusing on keeping my own self together. I've got a lot of things going on that I have to try and figure out. I'm psychologically confused, I can't focus on anything at all (even my friends and people not so close to me have noticed a difference. I'm staring into space more often and not absorbing what they say as much as I used to. Similar, but not as severe, to when Will moved at the end of the last school year, although no one witnessed that due to it being the summer) and having a guy seize in front of me in PE today isn't really helping me get a grip on what's going on right now. There are just some things I need to sort out before I can actually go and put myself back together again. Some people might call it self centered, but as much as I feel obliged to help friends when they are going through some things, I am learning that I need to work on myself before others. I know it's something I've got to do. I can't keep pushing it aside and say it will all work out, because for it to work out, I've got to figure out what it is. I'm trying to work out, pick out all the details and figure out what is it that I'm having so much difficulty with and try to solve it. I'm beginning to figure it out and I've got my guess, but I'm not one hundred percent sure, and if what I think it is really is the case, then my solution is beyond me for now."
I don't know if she still keeps up with this blog or not, but if she is, Amberleigh is the one that helped me learn that helping myself before others can sometimes be the better route, especially when it comes to your own well-being. Thankfully, there isn't drama for me to deal with right now anyway, making it easier on my part.
But Amberleigh has once again been an uber help to my life and for that, I thank her.
3.10.10
Drama… and not the Class
Well there is just a whole bunch of drama and this love triangle/decagon thing going on at school. This new girl that moved from up north is causing it all of it sadly. She seemed like a really cool person but I began to think otherwise the more I hung out with her. Although I wasn't sure what exactly it was then, something told me she was not going to be a super friend of mine. Maybe if I'd listened and not associated myself with her, none of this would've happened. But it's too late for that now. Something did happen and I'm not too pleased with it.
Grace, Adrienne, and I tried to help her with it. What is she doing? She's flirting with a bunch of guys. Multiple guys. She calls it being friendly but I guess the Northener's friendliness isn't the same as ours cause it's called flirting down here. (In no way am I trying to offend anyone who might be living up north. I've heard of plenty of Northerners who are absolutely amazing. It just so happens that one that moved down here has caused a lot of drama.) Her actions wouldn't be as bad if she didn't have boyfriend who she claims is being overprotective. She is flirting with his best friend AND with the guy I like, who reassuringly expressed to me yesterday doesn't like her at all. She knows I like him, too.
The new girl hates me now and won't listen to me or even be ten feet from me. I don't want to hate her. I don't want to get into a feud with her. I am just trying to help. All three of us are but it is really only me who she is wanting to have nothing to do with. She is just being so obnoxious. I wrote her a note and all three of us signed it. She tore it up, wadded it up, walked over to me, and tapped me on the shoulder, showing me, (she had been outside when she did it) and then chunked it, trying to prove a point I guess. I didn't say or do anything, knowing it wouldn't have done me any good and only make her hate me more (cause the only thing that proved to me was that she had her head stuck too far up her butt to take help from the people trying to help her.)
The guy that I like (maroon) and I aren't going out but as of yesterday when I wrote the note to the girl and revealed her flirting with people specifically Maroon, I revealed to her I liked him. Her
flirting with him kind of offended me. I had the impression he had a crush on me anyway and he keeps making it more apparent which is reassuring... But after my revealing to the new girl, it got out to a variety of my friends which makes me nervous. Somehow, someway, I am always getting caught in drama like this. It happened last year and in seventh grade as well. There has been one big blow of drama every year, but only one big one per year. I am worried that with this one starting so early in the year, there will be more this year. I am honestly trying to not get involved but all the big stuff like this tends to be thrown at me because I guess they think I can help but I was already upset the night before from someone make accusations towards my dad and our team and he had no idea what he was talking about. Needless to say I was not in a mental state to handle the situation correctly.
I am learning to only take tasks I can handle. Sure I enjoy helping people when they are having problems. I have friends that come to me for help all the time and I help them because they are my friends and I care about them. But after a while, you realize no matter how much you want to help, there is always going to he someone who won't accept it. And I, no matter how self centered it may sound, need to handle my own problems before going into something like this. Sure, i didn't really jump into this; I was dragged, but it still stands. So I've pretty much pushed her aside now and as long as she keeps her distance and doesn't try to pull me into anything again, then we'll be fine. I mean I'm gonna go for what makes me happy and I know she's gonna try to get in the way, even with a boyfriend, and I'm not gonna let her do that. I've decided this.
I just needed someone there to help cool me off. Someone that wasn't apart of any of this and yet knew what it felt like to be completely frustrated with someone. And the first person I thought of was Amberleigh. It's nice to know she's there to help even 400 miles away. I don't know what the hell I'd do without her. She's my buddy. I luh her.
My apologies for such a poorly written post, compared to my other ones.
Grace, Adrienne, and I tried to help her with it. What is she doing? She's flirting with a bunch of guys. Multiple guys. She calls it being friendly but I guess the Northener's friendliness isn't the same as ours cause it's called flirting down here. (In no way am I trying to offend anyone who might be living up north. I've heard of plenty of Northerners who are absolutely amazing. It just so happens that one that moved down here has caused a lot of drama.) Her actions wouldn't be as bad if she didn't have boyfriend who she claims is being overprotective. She is flirting with his best friend AND with the guy I like, who reassuringly expressed to me yesterday doesn't like her at all. She knows I like him, too.
The new girl hates me now and won't listen to me or even be ten feet from me. I don't want to hate her. I don't want to get into a feud with her. I am just trying to help. All three of us are but it is really only me who she is wanting to have nothing to do with. She is just being so obnoxious. I wrote her a note and all three of us signed it. She tore it up, wadded it up, walked over to me, and tapped me on the shoulder, showing me, (she had been outside when she did it) and then chunked it, trying to prove a point I guess. I didn't say or do anything, knowing it wouldn't have done me any good and only make her hate me more (cause the only thing that proved to me was that she had her head stuck too far up her butt to take help from the people trying to help her.)
The guy that I like (maroon) and I aren't going out but as of yesterday when I wrote the note to the girl and revealed her flirting with people specifically Maroon, I revealed to her I liked him. Her
flirting with him kind of offended me. I had the impression he had a crush on me anyway and he keeps making it more apparent which is reassuring... But after my revealing to the new girl, it got out to a variety of my friends which makes me nervous. Somehow, someway, I am always getting caught in drama like this. It happened last year and in seventh grade as well. There has been one big blow of drama every year, but only one big one per year. I am worried that with this one starting so early in the year, there will be more this year. I am honestly trying to not get involved but all the big stuff like this tends to be thrown at me because I guess they think I can help but I was already upset the night before from someone make accusations towards my dad and our team and he had no idea what he was talking about. Needless to say I was not in a mental state to handle the situation correctly.
I am learning to only take tasks I can handle. Sure I enjoy helping people when they are having problems. I have friends that come to me for help all the time and I help them because they are my friends and I care about them. But after a while, you realize no matter how much you want to help, there is always going to he someone who won't accept it. And I, no matter how self centered it may sound, need to handle my own problems before going into something like this. Sure, i didn't really jump into this; I was dragged, but it still stands. So I've pretty much pushed her aside now and as long as she keeps her distance and doesn't try to pull me into anything again, then we'll be fine. I mean I'm gonna go for what makes me happy and I know she's gonna try to get in the way, even with a boyfriend, and I'm not gonna let her do that. I've decided this.
I just needed someone there to help cool me off. Someone that wasn't apart of any of this and yet knew what it felt like to be completely frustrated with someone. And the first person I thought of was Amberleigh. It's nice to know she's there to help even 400 miles away. I don't know what the hell I'd do without her. She's my buddy. I luh her.
My apologies for such a poorly written post, compared to my other ones.
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