Psyche not Sike

So maybe I'm confused, psychologically out of whack.
Maybe I was never actually completely over Will. Maybe somewhere, lurking in the back of my head, my love for him still existed. Maybe I'm still a believer that love never dies - true love, that is. Maybe he's creeping his way back and I am continuing to fall.
Maybe everything above shouldn't be maybes. Those are things I am absolutely sure of, but...

Maybe I like Maroon, but not like I loved Will. Could it be that I am trying to replace Will with someone else? How am I thinking this logical? What if I spend time with Maroon and discover that I do like him more than I started out with. I know he's moving in January - another person gone. Shouldn't I not be trying to become attached? I know if I do, and he moves, it's not going to make anything any easier.

"I've just come to this reality this year on how much I try to help other people when in all actuality, I need to be focusing on keeping my own self together. I've got a lot of things going on that I have to try and figure out. I'm psychologically confused, I can't focus on anything at all (even my friends and people not so close to me have noticed a difference. I'm staring into space more often and not absorbing what they say as much as I used to. Similar, but not as severe, to when Will moved at the end of the last school year, although no one witnessed that due to it being the summer) and having a guy seize in front of me in PE today isn't really helping me get a grip on what's going on right now. There are just some things I need to sort out before I can actually go and put myself back together again. Some people might call it self centered, but as much as I feel obliged to help friends when they are going through some things, I am learning that I need to work on myself before others. I know it's something I've got to do. I can't keep pushing it aside and say it will all work out, because for it to work out, I've got to figure out what it is. I'm trying to work out, pick out all the details and figure out what is it that I'm having so much difficulty with and try to solve it. I'm beginning to figure it out and I've got my guess, but I'm not one hundred percent sure, and if what I think it is really is the case, then my solution is beyond me for now."

 I don't know if she still keeps up with this blog or not, but if she is, Amberleigh is the one that helped me learn that helping myself before others can sometimes be the better route, especially when it comes to your own well-being. Thankfully, there isn't drama for me to deal with right now anyway, making it easier on my part. 

But Amberleigh has once again been an uber help to my life and for that, I thank her.

Drama… and not the Class

Well there is just a whole bunch of drama and this love triangle/decagon thing going on at school. This new girl that moved from up north is causing it all of it sadly. She seemed like a really cool person but I began to think otherwise the more I hung out with her. Although I wasn't sure what exactly it was then, something told me she was not going to be a super friend of mine. Maybe if I'd listened and not associated myself with her, none of this would've happened. But it's too late for that now. Something did happen and I'm not too pleased with it.
Grace, Adrienne, and I tried to help her with it. What is she doing? She's flirting with a bunch of guys. Multiple guys. She calls it being friendly but I guess the Northener's friendliness isn't the same as ours cause it's called flirting down here. (In no way am I trying to offend anyone who might be living up north. I've heard of plenty of Northerners who are absolutely amazing. It just so happens that one that moved down here has caused a lot of drama.) Her actions wouldn't be as bad if she didn't have boyfriend who she claims is being overprotective. She is flirting with his best friend AND with the guy I like, who reassuringly expressed to me yesterday doesn't like her at all. She knows I like him, too.
The new girl hates me now and won't listen to me or even be ten feet from me. I don't want to hate her. I don't want to get into a feud with her. I am just trying to help. All three of us are but it is really only me who she is wanting to have nothing to do with. She is just being so obnoxious. I wrote her a note and all three of us signed it. She tore it up, wadded it up, walked over to me, and tapped me on the shoulder, showing me, (she had been outside when she did it) and then chunked it, trying to prove a point I guess. I didn't say or do anything, knowing it wouldn't have done me any good and only make her hate me more (cause the only thing that proved to me was that she had her head stuck too far up her butt to take help from the people trying to help her.)
The guy that I like (maroon) and I aren't going out but as of yesterday when I wrote the note to the girl and revealed her flirting with people specifically Maroon, I revealed to her I liked him. Her
flirting with him kind of offended me. I had the impression he had a crush on me anyway and he keeps making it more apparent which is reassuring... But after my revealing to the new girl, it got out to a variety of my friends which makes me nervous. Somehow, someway, I am always getting caught in drama like this. It happened last year and in seventh grade as well. There has been one big blow of drama every year, but only one big one per year. I am worried that with this one starting so early in the year, there will be more this year. I am honestly trying to not get involved but all the big stuff like this tends to be thrown at me because I guess they think I can help but I was already upset the night before from someone make accusations towards my dad and our team and he had no idea what he was talking about. Needless to say I was not in a mental state to handle the situation correctly.
I am learning to only take tasks I can handle. Sure I enjoy helping people when they are having problems. I have friends that come to me for help all the time and I help them because they are my friends and I care about them. But after a while, you realize no matter how much you want to help, there is always going to he someone who won't accept it. And I, no matter how self centered it may sound, need to handle my own problems before going into something like this. Sure, i didn't really jump into this; I was dragged, but it still stands. So I've pretty much pushed her aside now and as long as she keeps her distance and doesn't try to pull me into anything again, then we'll be fine. I mean I'm gonna go for what makes me happy and I know she's gonna try to get in the way, even with a boyfriend, and I'm not gonna let her do that. I've decided this.
I just needed someone there to help cool me off. Someone that wasn't apart of any of this and yet knew what it felt like to be completely frustrated with someone. And the first person I thought of was Amberleigh. It's nice to know she's there to help even 400 miles away. I don't know what the hell I'd do without her. She's my buddy. I luh her.

My apologies for such a poorly written post, compared to my other ones.

I am Thoroughly Enjoying Musical Theatre

It's all due to pretty much one guy, and it's not the guy that was kind of freaking me out. No, this one is Dederick Anderson and he's amazing, not to mention has a good voice. He's one of the main reasons I enjoy walking into Musical Theatre because I always get a hug from him. Sometimes more. (He gives the best hugs. No lie.)Somehow, he always puts a smile on my face no matter what has happened earlier in the day, which why it's great to have it seventh period, the second to last period of the day. (And eighth period History with Mr. Lewey is always good, pairing it greatly with seventh period to create a fantastic way to end any day.)
People actually know my name. Often times when I walk in, they have to tell the teacher that I am here and instead of saying "The freshman is here", they now say "April is here." It's funny how simple things such as that make the experience that much better. Makes you think of the phrase 'What's in a name?'
We've received our things for the show we are performing as well. It's School House Rock and I have the feeling it's going to be great, although I missed the second practice because no one told me there were schedules or that there was a practice after the chamber choir auditions. The only reason I found out there was a practice was that they worked on the dance to the song Interjections in class the day after and everyone there knew it... except me. Joyful.
But overall, my whole freshman year has been pretty smooth, which is great. I just have the feeling something is going to come up and mess it up for a while. I'll be able to handle it though, because I'm mature enough to know how to.

[Insert Sarcastic Comment Here]

Blogger,I am currently sick of Blogger right now. Not blogging, just Blogger. They periodically make these ''updates'' and it usually they are simple and great. But when they change things around, like where things are located or even taking things out and grouping things together to the extent that you don't know where to find them, would you not be mad as well? I went to edit this dear blog of mine and during so, I noticed that the box under the posts (the star rating and comments)  are white. Why would I want a white box on a black and blue background. So, I searched to find a way to change it. If there was no way, I was simply going to take it off. But, if I can't even find where I put it on, because obviously it's moved, then how am I to go about changing it?
So I guess now I am going to rest my frazzled brain and come back to it later with a calmer state of being. Maybe I will find something on one of our new channels to watch. If not, I'm off to go practice one of the three routines we are learning in musical theatre. Afterwards I will return to working on my secret project. Yes, be curious reader. Be very curious.

oodga yeba!
(Pig Latin translation: good bye!
I think that just gave me the idea to write a post in Pig Latin.
It would be dedicated to the only one in my school who speaks it with me.
Yes. The idea has been bookmarked.)

Never, Never, Never Give Up

I started out musical theatre with hesitance. I'm sure everyone in the expected me to drop out once they saw I was the only freshman, but I wasn't going to let that get in my way. Only one person has really talked to me and I find him rather creepy, but I am not having to worry about it as much because I think I've somehow made it across that I don't really want to have anything to do with him. I have become okay with no one to talk to in that class. They don't despise me anymore and they are actually learning my name instead of calling me The Freshman. I have choreography to learn and don't need to be bothering myself with conversing anyway. Our group is doing the song "Rubberneckin'". I actually enjoy learning the dance. After you start to get it, it's easier. I still have to work on it, but I am enjoying it and trying hard. Maybe they'll see I'm not the small freshman the thought me to be.
I've also joined the drama club with Lizzy, Shevontè and Katy. There are auditions for a play already and I find that great. I love classes that start off swinging instead of slowly progressing to normal activity. Even though, it's not really a class; it's an extracurricular class.
Chorus is going well too, besides the fact that I do believe all the altos lost their minds over the summer and have learned to sing eighth notes like quarter notes and totally ignore rests of any sort, as I learned today as we were put in the hallway to see if we could get it without the help of a teacher. I had to set those girls straight. They might have thought I was rude or something for taking over (cause GOD FORBID someone besides a prep to take control of a situation!) but I'm sure by the time we had to return to the chorus room, they were thankful for my help. And in no way am I trying to brag whatsoever. I'm just simply staying the alto section, save two, has seemed to have lost their marbles.
As for that English project I mentioned in an earlier post, I will now explain.
Our mission was given to us Friday, giving us all weekend to work on it. It was going to be due Tuesday. She told us that we were to recreate a fairy tale. We were to use different characters and settings, but follow the plot. I eagerly began by listing fairy tales to try and decide which one I should use. After I made a list, I narrowed it down to Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan, and One Thousand and One Nights. I felt Alice and Wonderland had too many characters and such a complex plot that it would be very difficult to write in a week. My next choice, Peter Pan, was the choice of one my other friends, so I did not want to do that. So, I moved to my last choice: the book similar to Aladdin. I began typing it on my iPod and it went well. Sunday, I emailed myself what I had and transfered it to a word document. It was in Times New Roman, 12 pt, single spaced. It was seven pages long. Monday, she told us she wanted it TNR, 12 pt, and double spaced.
I absolutely hate double spacing documents. It's worse when the text is in large font, makng the space in between the lines larger. It reminds me of a childs book. I just find it obnoxious. It makes it longer than it actually is.
But anyway, she concluded the instructions with saying that she didn't want a short story, but she didn't want it 10-15 pages long either.
Well crap. I knew my seven page story (that was only half way through) was going to be way over 10 pages, especially with double spacing.
Well, I was correct. The seven pages turned to eleven once double spaced. I then condensed what I had. Condensed it all the way to six pages. It was heart breaking. I was so proud of what I had and I had to take out and shorten it. It was not the same at all. I then continued typing. Once I finished the story, I had sixteen pages. With much sadness, I went back to the beginning and began condensing again. I had to take out a lot of dialouge, which I felt had not only added to the story, but helped to develop the characters when it was in there. After getting to the end after condensing, I had twelve pages.
Now I had gotten home at four-thirty because I had a drama club meeting after school. Once I got back, I imediatly began working. I worked non-stop until eleven. So when I ended up with twelve pages, I did not feel like going back and rereading and recondensing everything. So I settled with twelve pages. I felt like a bad person for doing so, but I was tired. So, I turned it in with twelve pages. If she hates me for it or counts off for it, then I'm sorry, but I don't do short stories. Never could. I can't tell a story to someone and it be short. Not writing, at least. And Aladdin is a rather long story, anyway. Those who did Red Riding Hood, Goldilocks, Cinderalla, etc and had two pages, I could understand. But Aladdin for me, in under ten pages, is like asking me to describe what I did in all of my classes in one sentence: very, very hard.

FFC

I am really enjoying this school year. My first period class is chorus, which will always get me in a good mood to start the day, although my voice tends to be weaker in the morning. That's not too good, but I enjoy it. I have geometry second and although Caitlin and Allie are also in that class, due to the seating arrangment, I only have Kristen to assosiate myself with, which is perfectly fine. I then have English, which I am really excited about. The teacher, Mrs. Ozbirn, had commented on my writing by the third day of school, and I do have to say that it was rather exciting. She's given us our first real writing project which I am excited about and will explain in a later publishing of Battle Butterfly.
After I leave third period, I go to Biology. It's a new teacher. He seems like a good teacher when it comes down to it. He teaches well. From biology with Katrina, I then go to PE with her, Jackie, and Michael Nash. We have fun down there. And then off to lunch. Last year I had lunch with two people: Tamira and Lizzy. That was a boring lunch. But there are a ton more people in my lunch this time and it's great. And after first nine weeks, I am going to have fifty minute lunch everyday with all of my other friends, so it's definitely something to look forward to. I then have to leave to get the bus to the highschool for musical theatre with my lonely ninth grade self. It hasn't been as bad since we've started working on coming up with choreography for the songs. Before, it was a little creepy. Then back on the bus for World History at the freshman center with Blake and Allie. I love it.

Fresh Start

Well, I new school year started today and I am still excited about it. I do plan on changing one class, but other than that, it's all good.
I woke up early. I woke up about twenty minutes earlier than I have to. I had my reasons of course. We had to read the book Jane Eyre over the summer. In all honesty, the book is very long and the first half of it is very boring. The last half, however is pretty interesting. If it were just the last 15-20 chapters as the book alone, it would've been an interesting book, but the beginning was so dull that by the time it becomes interesting, I am so full of the thing that I don't care what happens in it anymore and it begins to feel like it keeps dragging on. For those who have to read it who haven't yet, i'm not going to give any details, but Brontë just keeps adding to it to make it last longer and longer.
Well, I didn't get around to finishing it. I ended up having about 10 chapters left unread. So when I woke up early, I was on the Internet reading cliffnotes and summaries of the unread chapters, just in case there was a surprise something or another at school so the teacher could see if you'd read it yet.
After reading up and making last minute preperations, I headed for school, dressed in purple skinnies and a red, white, and blue splatter shirt, completed by a flower bow made out of zippers in my hair, converse that are beginning to show wear below the cuffs of my jeans and a colorfully checkered messenger bag slung over my shoulder. I walked into that school with the determination to start my highschool out right. I was going strive for exelence in every class and subject. I was well prepared for anything. As I entered each of my classes, chorus being the largest class I'm in, there was someone I knew well in all of my classes. That fact stood until I had to take a bus over to my seventh period class: Musical Theatre with Ms. Rockhill at the highschool. I had a hand full of people to associate myself with on the bus on the way over, but I found as I exited the bus and entered the highschool-the large school where the hallways are still unfamiliar to me- that I stood alone. As everyone else aboard the bus headed for French, I discovered that I was the only nineth grader to have musical theatre. Even though I knew little of the highschool's hallways, I knew where there chorus room was and since the class is taught by the chorus teacher, it was obvious that it would be in the same room. I walked in there with as much confendence as I could muster up. The fact of being in a room full of people that had known one another for however many years was slightly nerve racking. But I approached the teacher as she told me to and I told her my name.
Ms. Rockhill has a history with my family. Actually both of my parents had her as a teacher when they were in highschool, and I couldn't imagine them being anything but great in her presence, so I guess that does give me some form of step up. The good thing is is that she remembers them well too, which means they left some form of impression.
But it was very odd walking into that class but the people in there are really nice and seemed to have a few that took interest in having a new member, but not too surprised that it was only one.
In the end, I was proud if myself because I made it back to the bus. The peers that walked off to French didn't make the bus at all, but I am going to have to invest in a watch so that I can keep up with the time, due to the fact that I have to leave five minutes early to get the bus. And seeing as the only clock in the room read 5:10 when I walked in I am going to have to have some sort of personal time keeping machine. Because the teacher can tell me when to go the first few days, but even I would forget about it as the school year progressed and we did mote things. The hard part is finding one that I like. I never can.
So over all, I am very excited about this year and I am going to keep myself in check. It's pretty much part of my college application. And it would look good on the ASFA resume as well, if I convince my parents, that is.