Yellow...

So I've decided and I'm letting go. I'm letting go of everything he's pulled me into. I'm turning my back to all I thought I had. I'm leaving him behind because I've finally found a reason to move on. Someone that's actually worth everything I thought Will was worth and yet more at the same time. I've had the feeling ever since last year, and it's this year that I've found not only the feelings grew, but I've discovered that the feelings weren't one sided.
His nickname by the few who know of my feelings towards him refer to him as Yellow. Yes, it is a code name. And no, he doesn't know about it. It was given to him by me because of his goalie gloves. He was on my soccer team this season and last season and he played goalie one half and wing the other half. He is amazing at both, although he claims I can't score on him.... But you know, whatever. His goalie gloves, well two of the fingers, are yellow on the back, giving him the nick-name, by me, of Yellow. I find it clever, but you know, that could just be me.
There was a swim party for the soccer players yesterday, and he made it apparent that he liked me. Sarah and Lizzy were out of town and Grace was 'too tired' to go, so he was the only one I could hang out with even if I didn't like him like that. But I am kind of glad they weren't there, not to be mean to any of you guys, it would've been weird because obviously I would have wanted to hang out with him, as I could hang with my best friends almost anyother time. On the lower side, I did get to thoroughly meet his little brother due to the fact that he wouldn't leave for the whole two hours of the party with the exception of one or two five minute breaks, and at the end when his dad told his brother to leave us alone whem there was about fifteen minutes left. The first thing his brother ever said to me, though, (in the first five minutes of him being there) was "Do you think I'm annoying?" In which case I replied with a simple, "I don't even know you." Ten minutes later I would've done just about anything to get him to go away (I came close to punching him a few times) because it turned out he was very annoying. But all in all, it was a happy ending, even though it could've been much, much better, I'm fine with it. Just the fact that I am now fully aware (I had the feeling starting from about our third soccer game this season) that it's mutual is honestly a blessing. Literally twice a day, at 11:11, I would wish that I knew. And now I do. Anna Lea, a girl thatI knew before she was on my soccer team, but has become a closer friend due to a lot of recent happenings was there watching. Yeah, it was kind of weird, but I didn't really mind. She asked me if he'd asked me out after he left, and after I told her he hadn't, she assured me that he would. I believe her because she's not one to lie about that kind of stuff. I did find it knd of weird though that she became so excited about the whole thing. She had talked to him while I was there and was embarised when she realized she was talking loud enough for me to hear what she was asking and began to talk softer, but she talked to me later when he wasn't there and asked if I liked him. When I replied yes, her eyes lit up as if it was the most amazing thing in the world. It was kind of cute, but anyways...

Bumps in the Road

Right now, everything is really confusing. Yes, I am once again posting about him. There's nothing else on my mind. I'd honestly like to tell myself that I am over him and that there is no point in him being there. Every time I get close, I'd fall right back down. It's hard and I really don't know which way I want to go. Should I let go? Should I fall into him or should I hold on. Should I charge forward? He's been my everything since last August, almost a year. I don't want to loose him, but he's not here. And now, I'm stuck in the middle. I'll find my way. I'll decide. But for now, I'll hang on right here, in the middle.

I'm a Firm Believer In Knowing the English Language

Yes, I live in North America. I'm one of those people who believe if you live in the United States, you should speak the language. Whether it's official or not, English is the language we speak here, and I believe people should really learn it. And I'm not speaking of foreigners migrating over and learning it, although if you move anywhere, I think you should learn the language. No, in this case I'm talking about born and raised Americans not knowing their own language. Yes, they know it, but they do not use it correctly. They use words that aren't supposed to be there. Well and good are NOT synonyms, people! There was a lady sitting behind be in church this morning and I really wanted to turn around and slap her while screaming that and other corrections in her face. I find it even worse when I public speaker uses them incorrectly. A news caster messed it up. Honestly, you'd think they'd be smart enough. If you can tell what the weather is going to be like next week, can you not have the correct knowledge on how to speak correctly? It isn't like you didn't take it at least 13 years of your life, more if you took it in college as well. It's insane and it honestly depresses me. I'm not going to say I'm perfect in the language, but when you can correct adults and graduates on their language, something's got to be up.

Go!Away!

I'm really all confused as of right now. I told myself I wouldn't post about him again, telling myself he's out of my life and there's really no point in him being there. But he found a way back, how I'm still not quite sure of. And right now, I'm not sure if I want to lock him out or give into him. I know the right thing to do. I know I can, but I don't know if I want to. He's always there even when I don't want him to be. It's really a pain in the ass. I'm not going to go on because I honestly don't feel like it.

I'm Almost Afraid to Watch Movies

I've found myself wanting. I've found myself yearning to find. I want it to come I want to fall for it - all of it - and not have to worry about lies or being hurt. I want to be swept away from everything else, the drama, the frustration, the past. I want to find that. perfect. one.
And whenever I watch a movie or read a book with a guy I'd find to be amazing, I only want to find it more and it almost depresses me that it seems like no guy is relatively close to that kind of amazing, not around here at least. To me, all the great guys exist in movies and books. Fictional characters. They're everything you want because everything about them has been given to them. One example that I believe is a great role-model for the perfect guy: Ray Singh from The Lovely Bones.
And what annoys me is the first thing a lot of people ask is 'Is he cute/hot?' I'm sure you've told someone of a crush before and if they don't know that person, they'll most likely ask if he's cute. Not 'Is he nice?' Not 'Is he funny?' None of that. Eight out of ten of my friends would ask for the make and model before personality. I say eight out of ten because I can think of one (maybe two) that wouldn't ask that first off.
I would say I have a higher tolerancy for guys than a lot of my friends. A decent looking guy is absolutely fine with me. I'm not one of the people that go around looking for a hot guy because I-can-only-be-seen-in-public-with-him-if-he's-hot-and-makes-my-friends-jealous kind of girl. I'm not going to lie to you and say looks don't matter because honestly they do to an extent. I'd say ninety-five percent of people would find themselves being less attracted to a guy that isn't as good-looking than a 'cuter' guy, but honestly, if they're at least decent, then that's a start for me. Really, what I consider cute, many (not all) of my friends would consider decent or average. (That's why I keep my mouth shut while we are out at the mall or somewhere. I'll let them say who's cute and just nod and smile.) Really, the guy I am into right now, I consider to be really cute. I don't tell my friends that when they ask though, because it all depends on waht they consider cute becasue I am fully aware of my wider ranger af tolerancy.
I just want to find him already, whoever he is. I'd like to fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. I don't want to have to worry anymore and finding that one guy would do that all.

Running Around With First Graders is Always Exciting

It honestly kills me how people - whether they get volunteered into it or volunteer themselves - act like they don't want to be there. It usually happens that a someone - usually a teen, surprise - get volunteered by their parents to help out with something.
Well, I participate in a VBS at our sister church. (There are two Catholic churches around here, one where I live and one about fifteen minutes away in a neighboring town, which I call our "sister church") I know people that go to both churches and since the one I go to doesn't have a Vacation Bible School (VBS) I help out at our Sister Church's VBS. Everyone helping there is a volunteer. It just bugs me that teens will volunteer or be volunteer and then act as if they don't want to be there. Honestly, even if you don't want to be there, act like you do. I promise you, you'll have a lot more fun. I started last year like that and I didn't like it. I made sure to start this year correctly and I'm having a lot of fun with it. I've met new people, made new friends - a guy going into ninth like me and a girl going into tenth.


Check out the Photographs tab. It's been updated.

Maybe I, too, Need a Scam Protection System

"It's been a long time since someone like you has made me ponder my own direction to include you in. I'm so ashamed"

If you read the blog KitDKat or The Daily Musician, then you may have noticed our names coming up in each other's blog on all the smae topic. It's one thing that conects the three of at the same time. If anything in the world, I would change that. Could we not be connected, the three of us, in a different way? Long story short, we were lied to by the same guy who each of us loved. Although, Katrina says she knew, Amberleigh and I discovered through each other, which I believed made us stronger. I personally believed every word and fell for false impressions. It's not something to be proud of. I made him a priority in my life while he made me an option in his. But then again, I feel we all were just options in his eyes. He had us wrapped around his fingers and we held on. As much as I'd like to say I've moved on, as he is no longer even in the same state, I still find myself thinking of him, my mind wandering off, remembering the way things used to be, and in the end, wondering how much of it was real. How many lies ran through your lip, because there is no doubt in how many I believed. I never concidered myself a niave kind of person, but I fell for all of it. And then it goes on to wonder how you could live with that. Live that way. Does it not even cross your mind that you've hurt people who honestly cared for you, who thought they knew you? It might just be me, but it seems to me you don't.